"The Middle-Aged Lady"

My sister Mary sent me this video. It's of a friend of hers in Northampton, Mass who was participating in a concert where all the acts imitate some famous performer.  Because you can't hear all the lyrics that well, and because they're really funny, I posted them below. 

Julie Waggoner is a comedian and she's trying to get on Ellen with this routine. I think she has a shot! 


Lyrics by Julie Waggoner 2008

[Feminem}
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the Middle-Aged Lady please stand up?
I repeat, will the Middle-Aged Lady please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here.

Y'all act like you never seen a woman before
Jaws all on the floor like Minnie Mouse just burst in the door
and started hot flashin’ like never before
We’re menopausal and missin’ punctuation (Ahh!)
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
she didn't just say what I think she did, did she?"
And Jesse Helms said... nothing you idiots!
Jesse Helms is dead, he’s buried down in Raleigh! (Ha-ha!)
Lotsa women love Feminem
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]
" Middle-Aged Lady, I'm sick of her
Look at her, walkin around grabbin her you-know-what
Shakin’ her you-know-who," "Yeah, but she's so cute though!"
I probably got a couple hormones in my body loose
But better than being George Bush with my lips loose
Sometimes, I wanna holler ‘cause I’m older and I’m flashing Just like you other menopausal ladies
"It’s really hot in here! It’s REALLY HOT in here!”
And if you’re lucky, we might just give you a little kiss
And here’s the message we deliver to you ladies
We want you to know what this inconvenient truth is
of course you’ve gotta know what menopause is
By the time you’re forty
We’ve got Oprah, don’t we?
We ain't nothing but mammals…Well, some of us
cannibals
who wage war on other people just like misanthropes
But in the Peaceful Valley of the Commonwealth, ain’t
No reason that a woman and another woman can't elope
(Yay!)
And if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Women wave supportive hose, sing the chorus and it goes

A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Younger Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Baby Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Feminem]
Madonna don't got any bit of jiggle when she dances
well I do, so bleep her and bleep you too!
You think I give a damn about my fanny?
A middle aged fanny is just fine, if you ask me.
"But Feminem, getting old, isn’t it weird?"
You bet! But it’s better than the alternative!
So I’ll sit here, with all my chin hairs-
And talk about my back, my knees and gray hairs
Everything creaks, the knees went first
And you can call me “Ma’am”, yeah that’s the worst
There’s a contest now to see which breast drops first
"Aw, Middle Aged Lady, stop, you’re embarrassing me!”
We’ll all shake our middle-aged boobs on TV
and show the whole world with Feminem glee
[AHHH!]
I'm sick of those tummy tucks and botox, all they do is annoy me
so I have been sent here to tell you [bzzzt]
That there's a million of us just like me
who cuss like me; who hot flash like me
who laugh like me; walk- talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Younger Ladies are just imitatin’
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Baby Ladies are just imitatin’
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Feminem]
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the ovaries to say it
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it -
And whether you like to admit it, you’re with it
Cause we’re all getting older and older and older and
You wonder how it happened like yesterday and overnight

It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm eighty
I'll be up on stage pretending to be somebody!!
And all of us who once were young we still are young
Because we’re all alive & still workin’ it
And every single person is a Middle-Aged Lady lurkin
Workin at Burger King, serving you your onion
rings
Or in the parkin lot, circling
Screaming "I’m burning upppp!"
with her windows down and her radio up
So, will the real Ladies please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Younger Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Baby Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Younger Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady
All you Baby Ladies are just imitating
So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Feminem]
Ha ha
Guess there's a Middle-Aged Lady in all of us – Heck, let's all stand up