Best Lesbian Jokes

While Dip and I are on the Sweet Cruise, I thought I'd drop this list of the best lesbians jokes of all time to keep you amused. Some of them I'd never heard and are pretty damn funny. Enjoy! We'll do our best to blog a time or two while on the boat.

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A: A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A: A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

A: Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A: Fur Traders

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

A: Lickalotapuss

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

A: Well Hung

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

A: Lick-a-likes

11. What's the definition of confusion?

A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?

A: 100 people that don't do dick

Oh Ida!

We're in New Orleans, getting ready to set sail on Sweet's Inaugural cruise and who has decided to poke her head in our business? Hurricane Ida! Right now, she's probably reeking havoc on Roatan, Honduras--the fourth port stop in our Caribbean cruise.

I was just watching the Weather Network and they said Ida could strengthen and her projected path was right up our alley. The weather peeps also mentioned that Carnival Cruise line just rerouted one of their ships to avoid her. Haven't heard anything from Sweet yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Ida will just mind her own business.

Wish us luck if we have to sail through the eye of the storm! If so, in the pictures, I'll be the one with the barf bag in my hand and the glazed over look in my eyes, thumbing my way in my Dramamine stupor.

I joke, of course. I think things will be just fine, as we all have a collective good karma which will see us through.

Keep your eye on her! And I'll see you on the other side!

Lip

How to Sew a Button by Erin Bried

Girls, you've got to pick up Erin Bried's new book "How to Sew a Button" out next month from Random House!

It makes for an AMAZING stocking stuffer!

About the author: Erin Bried is not only a fellow queer sister, but is also a senior staff writer at Self Magazine, where she's penned nearly 200 stories, including 60 cover stories. Part of her job (poor Erin) is interviewing and profiling celebrities such as Angelina Jolie, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston and Sheryl Crow.

Pre-order it today!

As an offshoot of the forthcoming book, Erin is also doing an online series or "How To's" called Nifty Button. I embedded one--in honor of Thanksgiving--below:




More about the Book:

“Waste not, want not” with this guide to saving money, taking heart, and enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

Nowadays, many of us “outsource” basic tasks. Food is instant, ready-made, and processed with unhealthy additives. Dry cleaners press shirts, delivery guys bring pizza, gardeners tend flowers, and, yes, tailors sew on those pesky buttons. But life can be much simpler, sweeter, and richer–and a lot more fun, too! As your grandmother might say, now is not the time to be careless with your money, and it actually pays to learn how to do things yourself!

Practical and empowering, How to Sew a Button collects the treasured wisdom of nanas, bubbies, and grandmas from all across the country–as well as modern-day experts–and shares more than one hundred step-by-step essential tips for cooking, cleaning, gardening, and entertaining, including how to

• polish your image by shining your own shoes
• grow your own vegetables (and stash your bounty for the winter)
• sweeten your day by making your own jam
• use baking soda and vinegar to clean your house without toxic chemicals
• feel beautiful by perfecting your posture
• roll your own piecrust and find a slice of heaven
• fold a fitted sheet to crisp perfection
• waltz without stepping on any toes

Complete with helpful illustrations and brimming with nostalgic charm, How to Sew a Button provides calm and comfort in uncertain times. By doing things yourself, with care and attention, you and your loved ones will feel the pleasing rewards of a job well done.

Ashleigh Flynn Shows Cancelled!

Hey everyone

Sadly, Ashleigh has had to cancel her shows this week. Her blanket email said:

Very sorry to any who planned to come out to our shows!

Flynn got in a bike wreck and has a separated shoulder....cant play the guitar for awhile which has her singing only the blues, and acapella at that...

Hurry and get better Ashleigh!!!!!!

The Best Halloween Costume 2009

So, I've decided to give the award this year to a group of people my parents spotted in Whitefish, Montana (which, oddly enough has been voted on of the best places to go for Halloween). On main street, they have several big bars that hold huge costume contests that bring people from all over the country.

The winner this year at the Bulldog was irresistibly and grossly original.

They were [wait for it]........

A PILE OF SHIT.

From left to right:

Bullshit

Shit Hits the Fan

Hot Shit

Holy Shit

"Peace" of Shit

*Thanks, Mom, for the photo. You see where Lipstick gets her sick sense of humor.

Ashleigh Flynn Concerts in San Francisco, Ashland and Eugene this Week!

Ashleigh Flynn will be in Eugene, San Francisco and Ashland this week, touring with our favorite bears: Sneakin' Out. If you're in any of these places this week, clear your schedule and go check them out! They're sure to put on a great show!

DETAILS
Nov 4th - Sam Bonds Garage - Eugene OR
Nov 5th -Hotel Utah for Heather Combs Songwriter Night - San Francisco
Nov 6th - Dolores Park Cafe - San Francisco
Nov 7th - The Tease Restaurant and Bar - Ashland OR

Ashleigh just finished a sweet little tour with the Wood Brothers (who we saw and were also great) and is hittin' the road again.

TO read a review from the Vancouver Woods Brothers show, go here:
http://www.discovervancouver.com/music/wood-brothers


TO see pics from the Vancouver Woods Brothers show, go here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/telemov/sets/72157622664248568/

* Photo credit: Telemov Photovideo (Flickr)

Amazing Video: Elephant Birth

This is such an awesome video, taken at the Elephant Safari Park + Lodge in Bali, of a female elephant giving birth to a baby. The footage is pretty graphic, so head's up. If you're like me, however, and are constantly sucked into Animal Planet and National Geographic, you'll love this video: