Wednesday, September 12, 2007

A Little Tease

We are on countdown to the release of our book; it's just a month or so away. So, we thought we'd give you a little tease of what's to come in the book...

Her Bra Is Still Stuck in the Fan
When you feel threatened

Sloan was known for her great tits. At Pride each year, there was always a strategic gaggle of girls lined up in the stands, jockeying for a good view of the parade and her cleavage. Even though those dykes tried to be inconspicuous behind their sunglasses, Sloan’s girlfriend, Charlotte, was on to the vibe. She, after all, had been an ogler herself. She and Sloan had been in a monogamous relationship for two years and just closed on their first house together. Aside from her voluptuous bosom, Sloan was also known for her wild ways. The uninhibited soul, Sloan had, at more than one party, been the ringleader behind long games of strip poker. From a few feet away, as Charlotte sipped her martini, she watched Sloan shed her clothing piece by piece until everyone was either in her skivvies or skin.

This infuriated Charlotte and she’d talked to Sloan about it more than once. Despite her best effort, Sloan couldn’t help herself and things reached a dangerous head when they were at the dyke bar one night. On the dance floor together, they were dancing the night away until Sloan, claiming she was overheated, decided to take her top off and launch her bra at the DJ booth, only to have it get caught on the ceiling fan. Rumor has it, it’s still there today, spinning above the dance floor, slowly driving Charlotte insane while driving a wedge between her and Sloan.

LIPSTICK: Never, ever, ever take your bra off and throw it in a public establishment if the fans are on! Let’s just hope it wasn’t a new Infinity Edge bra from Victoria’s Secret—they’re pricey. It’s hard to estimate how many bras have been lost in the smoky dive bar abyss, or after a onenight stand because you couldn’t remember her name, or what her cross streets were.

DIPSTICK: I like to think the lady who left her bra at my house did so not because she lost my address, but so I’d have something to remember her by. Lipstick: Dream on, Dip. If the above anecdote is ringing a bell, then you know what Circling Charlotte is dealing with—it’s called I-don’t-trust-my-girlfriend-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do syndrome.

Are you the one who feels totally alienated by your lover when she peels off her clothes and slides into a Jacuzzi full of lip-licking lesbians? Are you the one who loves your birthday suit? Either way, this situation is about more than getting naked. It’s about boundaries, security and comfort zones, and it must be dealt with or you can say good-bye to your longterm relationship (LTR).

As territorial beings, we have no choice but to, at times, feel threatened in our relationships. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, something we don’t always have control over. It could be something our lovers did, or it could be from some stupid dyke fresh out of the closet who’s trying to snatch your girlfriend.(Seasoned dykes should know better.)

Regardless of the cause, the two of you must talk this out and establish some firm boundaries, ones that if crossed have repercussions (more than just a spanking). Shame on Sloan for not being more respectful of Charlotte’s feelings and shame on Charlotte for letting this lacey pattern continue.

DIPSTICK: Hold up there little hussy. If I know Sloan—and trust me, I’ve met a few gals just like her—this is one wild child who won’t be tamed. Nor should she! I know plenty of women who would be happy with Sloan’s crazy ways. Wasn’t it Sloan’s licentious side that made Charlotte fall for her in the first place? Listen up ladies, if you’re not happy with an exhibitionist partier, then let your little panther run free and find yourself a nice bunny rabbit.

LIPSTICK: No, Dipstick, I don’t want to tame the lion, I just want to remind all the voluptuous vixens out there who like to drop trou about seven little letters that equal RESPECT, a very important word in lesbian relationship vocabulary. Has Charlotte talked to Sloan about this? Has she sat her down somewhere other than the club right after the tits-ident? If she’s chosen to only address the issue in the dark corner of the bar, then this relationship is in trouble. Confronting a partner needs to be done in a private safe space (unless she’s endangering her life or is about to cheat, then go ahead and make a scene). In an even-tempered, loving way, impart to your girlfriend that her behavior makes you uncomfortable and that you’d rather watch reruns of Bush’s inaugural speech than go out drinking with her again. Leveling with your girlfriend will usually work. If it doesn’t and she’s still dancing on the tables without her over the shoulder boulder holder, then I say it’s time to seriously consider if this is a woman you truly want to be with. If she says she’s sorry, but she just got caught up in the moment, give her one more chance (we all deserve one more chance), but if the pattern continues, do you really want to be with someone who can’t control her behavior?

That all said, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. All the work doesn’t rest on Sloan’s shoulders. You must ask yourself why her naked shenanigans get your panties in a twist. Perhaps you could use a shot of tequila or a hit from the bong.

But it’s not so much about the nudity as it is that you don’t trust Sloan, huh? Or you’re too afraid to show your own boobies? And her uninhibited spirit makes you jealous. Nudity isn’t a bad thing (unless you’re at the dyke march stalled under a sappy tree, then it is—sap is hard to get out of pubic hair). Your insecurities may be hampering this relationship as much as her nudist colony membership. Sit down face-to-face with your clothes on and work it out. But you must remember, when dealing with each other, not only no bra flinging, but also no mud slinging!

DIPSTICK: Lipstick, why must you insist our sisters alter their consciousnesses to lighten up? Boozing and doping don’t solve any problems; they just mask them for a while. And most of the jealous types I know only get more so with each passing drink. Take it from Dipstick: you don’t want to douse a girl like Sloan’s flame. Instead, join her in the bra flinging. It will do you good to get out of those khakis and polo shirt anyway!

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