While Dip and I are on the Sweet Cruise, I thought I'd drop this list of the best lesbians jokes of all time to keep you amused. Some of them I'd never heard and are pretty damn funny. Enjoy! We'll do our best to blog a time or two while on the boat.
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A: A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A: A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A: Fur Traders
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A: Lickalotapuss
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well Hung
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A: Lick-a-likes
11. What's the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
I hope you all had an amazing 4th of July weekend. Here in Oregon it was hot and dry. Perfect weather for finding a cool swimming hole. This is how I spent my Sunday:
Do you have a urinal on your block? I do. And I’ll tell you why. My neighbor Jim moved here from New York about 10 years ago. And ever since that time, Jim has peed outside, on the side of his garage, against the neighbor’s fence. I’m not sure WHY he pees outside. He just likes to.
Most neighbors would be pissed at someone pissing on their fence. But not Fernando. He thinks it’s endearing. Maybe it’s a guy thing, I don’t know. But when Fernando decided to get a new fence, he didn’t want the pee rotting the wood. So he had the contractor install a urinal.
Now Jim can still pee outside to his heart’s delight. And Fernando's fence won't rot. Isn’t that neighborly?
My sister Mary sent me this video. It's of a friend of hers in Northampton, Mass who was participating in a concert where all the acts imitate some famous performer. Because you can't hear all the lyrics that well, and because they're really funny, I posted them below.
Julie Waggoner is a comedian and she's trying to get on Ellen with this routine. I think she has a shot!
Lyrics by Julie Waggoner 2008
[Feminem} May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the Middle-Aged Lady please stand up? I repeat, will the Middle-Aged Lady please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here.
Y'all act like you never seen a woman before Jaws all on the floor like Minnie Mouse just burst in the door and started hot flashin’ like never before We’re menopausal and missin’ punctuation (Ahh!) It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding, she didn't just say what I think she did, did she?" And Jesse Helms said... nothing you idiots! Jesse Helms is dead, he’s buried down in Raleigh! (Ha-ha!) Lotsa women love Feminem [*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*] " Middle-Aged Lady, I'm sick of her Look at her, walkin around grabbin her you-know-what Shakin’ her you-know-who," "Yeah, but she's so cute though!" I probably got a couple hormones in my body loose But better than being George Bush with my lips loose Sometimes, I wanna holler ‘cause I’m older and I’m flashing Just like you other menopausal ladies "It’s really hot in here! It’s REALLY HOT in here!” And if you’re lucky, we might just give you a little kiss And here’s the message we deliver to you ladies We want you to know what this inconvenient truth is of course you’ve gotta know what menopause is By the time you’re forty We’ve got Oprah, don’t we? We ain't nothing but mammals…Well, some of us cannibals who wage war on other people just like misanthropes But in the Peaceful Valley of the Commonwealth, ain’t No reason that a woman and another woman can't elope (Yay!) And if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote Women wave supportive hose, sing the chorus and it goes
A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Younger Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Baby Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
[Feminem] Madonna don't got any bit of jiggle when she dances well I do, so bleep her and bleep you too! You think I give a damn about my fanny? A middle aged fanny is just fine, if you ask me. "But Feminem, getting old, isn’t it weird?" You bet! But it’s better than the alternative! So I’ll sit here, with all my chin hairs- And talk about my back, my knees and gray hairs Everything creaks, the knees went first And you can call me “Ma’am”, yeah that’s the worst There’s a contest now to see which breast drops first "Aw, Middle Aged Lady, stop, you’re embarrassing me!” We’ll all shake our middle-aged boobs on TV and show the whole world with Feminem glee [AHHH!] I'm sick of those tummy tucks and botox, all they do is annoy me so I have been sent here to tell you [bzzzt] That there's a million of us just like me who cuss like me; who hot flash like me who laugh like me; walk- talk and act like me and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Younger Ladies are just imitatin’ So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Baby Ladies are just imitatin’ So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
[Feminem] I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you things you joke about with your friends inside your living room The only difference is I got the ovaries to say it in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all I just get on the mic and spit it - And whether you like to admit it, you’re with it Cause we’re all getting older and older and older and You wonder how it happened like yesterday and overnight
It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm eighty I'll be up on stage pretending to be somebody!! And all of us who once were young we still are young Because we’re all alive & still workin’ it And every single person is a Middle-Aged Lady lurkin Workin at Burger King, serving you your onion rings Or in the parkin lot, circling Screaming "I’m burning upppp!" with her windows down and her radio up So, will the real Ladies please stand up? And put one of those fingers on each hand up? And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
A Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Younger Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Baby Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Younger Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
I'm a Middle-Aged Lady, yes I'm the real Lady All you Baby Ladies are just imitating So won't the Middle-Aged Ladies please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
[Feminem] Ha ha Guess there's a Middle-Aged Lady in all of us – Heck, let's all stand up
DIPSTICK: Lipstick, did you get a new car? (See license plate.) Funny, you don't seem like the mini-van type.
LIPSTICK: While I may not strike you as the mini-van type, in high school, I won a senior superlative that would put me in this soccer-mom mobile. It was "Most Likely to Head Their Child's PTA." No joke.
A measured blend of guidance, wit and sincerity from the femme and the butch perspective, Lipstick & Dipstick is a punchy advice column in CURVE Magazine, the nation's best-selling lesbian magazine.
"Finally! What we've been missing from Oprah and Dr Phil!! Lip and Dip bring unflinching truth to gay gals who are in, near or want a relationship. And they drench it all with great gobs of humor. Irresistible."
Honey Labrador said:
"Get ready to learn all you ever wanted to know (and more that you never wanted to know) about that girl you are SURE is 'the one' in Lipstick & Dipstick's Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships. A real page turner and eye opener...but most of all, with a sense of humor! If we can't laugh at ourselves ladies, than who will? Thanks for the insights...better late than never!"
Diane Anderson-Minshall said:
"Move over Dan Savage and out of the way Ann Landers. There's a new guru in town (two of them!) and they're dishing out sexy, saucy, ribald and totally irreverent advice for girls who can't say no, aren't in the know, or are still on the down low. Lipstick & Dipstick's Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships from Alyson Books tackles everything from titillating first dates to vengeful ex lovers, bisexual babes, and the top five wedding no-nos (only a couple of dykes would put strippers and Styrofoam on the same list). Want to know when to take the plunge? Dipstick's quiz will have you down on your knees or running for cover. Does your girlfriend talk to her softball coach 17 times a day? Apparently Lipstick knows just the answer. Though you may disagree with the sometimes incisive, sometimes flippant recommendations-heck, they disagree with each other-you can bet that what you're reading is a well tested, hard-to-find, how-to guide to life as a lesbian in the '00s. No lesbian should be without it."
