Pussy Do's

How many people out there groom? Dipstick and I stand in two very different, bushy corners on this issue. Well, one corner is bushy, the other... well, it isn't so bushy.

For those of you who trim, or shave or wax, are you tired of your typical "do". If so, these new styles might help. What's your favorite? And has anyone actually seen the Vaginalina?


V Formation
Some say it stands for Victory, that if you’ve gotten so far to see the “V” shaved onto your lover’s soft upper pussy (SUP), it’s just that—a victory. You’ve won. But many know the V on their lover as the V Formation, a nod to the many, many birds that migrate each year—you guessed it—south.

Mrs. Bigglesworth
Remember the hairless kitty in Austin Powers? Need I say more?

Cunnilingo Incognito
This girl looks like she’s au naturel, but then springs one on you when you get down there. It’s like a bad hairdo, a misguided pompadour—super high on the top and not much on the bottom. In some circles this is also known as “The Berm.” See photo.

Soul Patch
This little swatch of fur is either in a square or a rectangle of any size right smack dab in the middle of your SUP. Not to be confused with the Stripper Stripe.

Stripper Stripe
Made famous in strip clubs nationwide, there is enough hair to remind you that she can legally shake her booty in you face, but not enough to eclipse the sun.

Vaginalina
I’ve only heard of this one, never actually seen one in person. It involves barrettes. You might want Google it.

The Landing Strip
This is good for budding lesbians and those that are just beginning to explore another women’s body. It practically comes with instructions and, certainly, a directional that says, “Right here, baby.” Orange traffic controller flashlights optional.

I'm a Butt Watcher

Do you remember that ad campaign for Wheel of Fortune many years ago that said, "I'm a Wheel Watcher"? Well, I'm not a wheel watcher--although I don't mind watching Vanna White--but I am a professional butt watcher. I don't know what it is, but I constantly stare at people's butts. They don't have to be hot women either; it can be some dude in front of me on the train or a [gasp] a coworker. Some butts I watch longer than others. You know, like I usually check out the MILFs a little longer than I check out the Rastafarian guy in the produce section, but still, my eyes are always drawn to the drawers, no matter who it is. What's that about? I'm tempted to say I have a butt fetish. It must have something to do, in some primal way, with the way dogs sniff each other's butts. Thank GOD my fetish doesn't go quite that far. Am I alone here?

The picture was taken on a recent trip to the Vegas. These are my friend's butts, including my wife's (the cutest little bum) at the pool. I was in butt heaven...

Calvin the Clairvoyant

Do you believe that there is life after death? Do believe in reincarnation?

I do, thanks to our nephew, Calvin the Clairvoyant. Let me explain...

My wife and I recently visited our nephew (the love of our life) and his parents (who we adore, too) and something crazy happened that left all of us in the car stunned.

First, it's important to note that Calvin doesn't have a huge vocabulary and is only beginning to put choppy sentences together.

So, we were on our way to the beach and driving past this expansive cemetery with rolling hills of green when Calvin says, "Mommy, what's that?"

"A cemetary," she says.
He pops a Cheerio in his mouth and says, "People come back."

We all looked at him and he was gazing at the headstones, still popping those little O's in his mouth like he'd just said he wanted his sippy cup.

What do you think? Do you think kids--the younger they are--are more in touch with the other side? And then once we get older, we become more skeptical and sanitized of other world possibilities?

While I'm on this subject and asking questions...Do you think the government outlawed psychedelic drugs like acid and shrooms because they take us to another level of consciousness, one the government doesn't want us to see? It's a theory my brother and I have...

(Check out Calvin's shirt!)

When a column goes up in flames

So, lately, Dipstick and I have been getting into trouble with readers for some of the things we've written in our column and I'd like to send a message to all of you out there who've gotten bent out of shape for something we've said:

LIGHTEN UP!

While we totally respect (really, we do) your opinion, why get your panties in a bunch because we're trying to be funny or playfully self-deprecating--toward the lesbian community or otherwise. What's the harm in that? Life's too serious sometimes. While it's true, our words do reach lots and lots of lesbians, what's also true is that we're not only advice columnists, but also creative writers who enjoy gleaning innocent humor from daily minutia and our dykely lot in life.

So for those of you who lose sleep over something we said, we'd encourage you to take two of these (chill pills) and write us in the morning.

As always, yours truly,
Lipstick & Dipstick

I can't believe I didn't make the List!!

The list of the Top 15 Hottest Butches, that is! AfterEllen.com ranked who they considered to be the hottest butches of all time and Dipstick isn't one of them. I mean, I may not be hotter than Shane, but I am butcher than her, don't you think? And hell, some of those women are straight. At least in real life. Sure, it's easy to play a butch in the movies, but try to live your life as one day in and day out.

I know what you're thinking. After Ellen's list is about butches in film, TV and music. So that MUST be why I'm not on the list, right. Well, what about my appearance on Round Trip Ticket on Logo last summer? Don't you think that would have qualified me? I mean nothing against that cute butches they picked and all. kd lang is pretty swank. And Joan Jett rocks my world.

But Laurel Holloman for her role as Randy in The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love. Have they forgotten this little tomboy grew into the whiny, conservative and FEMME Tina Kinnard on The L Word?

It's okay though. The people who really matter know Dipstick is a butch who can't be beat. I won't be offended if you start a write-in campaign to get me on next year's list!

Were you born gay?

I know I was.

Do you think you were born gay or was it what happened outside the womb that made you the big dyke you are today?

Pray tell...

xo
Lip