Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been hanging around this girl Sloan for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten really close. She’d never been with a woman before so I was afraid as I fell for her, but our attraction was so strong. We got "together" one time and it seemed to go ok...no complaints. However, about two weeks ago, she said we should split up because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said she isn’t sure if she wants to date women. My friends all agree that Sloan’s too butch to be straight, not to mention, she only hangs out with women. Now, I’m not sure who’s confused—me or her. Should I walk away? Depressed Dyke
Lipstick: Yes, but you’d be lucky to get out alive at this point, Double D, so I’m coming at you in my air tight damage control suit. It’s not what you want to hear, but you need to get the F out of dodge. Sloan says she doesn’t want to break your heart and I’m sure she means it…but she’s getting ready to anyway. If you don’t rip off the Duct tape she’s wrapped around your heart, it’s really gonna hurt when she slooowly peels it off. Even if you and your cronies think that Sloan’s a lesbo, the important thing is that she does, too. Coming to terms with one’s sexuality—no matter how dykey she looks or who she hangs with—is its own process, one that cannot be coerced by a pack of prophesying dipsticks. Next time you feel yourself skidding down the slippery slope with a straight girl, write to us before you sleep with her!
Dipstick: DD, as much as we like to believe all butches worship the lavender labia, it just isn’t so. Take my neighbor Max, she drives a truck, owns a construction business and keeps her hair short and nails trimmed. She even has a lesbian name, for Christ’s sake! As much as my dykely friends try to convince her she’s a homo, truth is, it’s only big butch men that rattle her toolbox. As for your friends, it can be quite disconcerting when gaydar is off, but like the radar detector in my 87 Trans-Am, which sometimes goes off from a garage door opener or security system, it’s not foolproof. Lipstick is right, walk away now. If she has a change of heart, she knows how to find you.
PS: And by the way DD, I’m sure you can do better than “Okay, no complaints!” Don’t give us dykes a bad name when sexing the straight girls.