Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been with my girlfriend, Janelle, for five years and, to be honest, it’s been a downhill ride. We are constantly arguing and she is insanely jealous. You know the type, the kind that is a control freak and doesn’t like me to have friends. Because I’m so miserable, I’ve been secretly seeing someone for three months. What should I do?
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?
Lipstick: In your honor, I’m listening to The Clash on my Ipod as I write, and, just for you, I pinned my jeans and feathered my hair in the coffee shop’s bathroom, so I’m good and ready to dispense advice. Now, 80’s Dyke, you need to get a razor blade and cut the umbilical chord. Why are you suckling Mama when there is nothing but poison coming from her nipples? To make things worse, she’s not the only one who’s discharging toxins—you are, too, by cheating on her! I know it’s tough to see much else when you’re going down on a beautiful woman, but trust me when I say that you’re compromising your integrity by staying with Janelle and having sex with No Name in the shadows. And for what? You’re miserable. Even though five years is a respectable commitment, you should—as my Grandma used to say when I was potty training—either shit or get off the pot.
Dipstick: No, Clash Fan, don’t walk, stay. Dipstick loves it when dyke drama escalates and I can’t wait until Jealous Janelle finds out you’re having an affair! Obviously, you two like playing with fire—why else would you have stayed with someone who stalks your every move and cuts you off from your friends? The thing that’s so addictive about abusive relationships is how alive the drama makes you feel and how seductive make-up sex can be. Can your new affair match the post-spat passion between you and your possessive partner? Leslie Lange has outlined your predictable scenario in her book Dyke Drama: Your Guide to Getting Out Alive. If you leave Janelle now, without changing the things about yourself that kept you with her for five years, I predict one of three things: A) you and your new love will cement your pattern of jealousy and distrust; B) you’ll go running back to Janelle once the boredom of a normal relationship sets in; C) all three of you will end up on Jerry Springer. If it’s C, be sure to drop me an email so I can Tivo it.