PRICELESS

1 MAC Studio Stick Foundation: $28
1 tube of MAC Pro Long Lash Mascara: $12
1 MAC foundation brush: $32
Dipstick sitting at the MAC counter: PRICELESS

A butch at the Make-Up Counter

If there’s one thing I love about my editor at Curve, it’s that she understands a butch. See, it’s time for us to shoot some new publicity photos and Ms. Editor had to break the news to me that my skin tone is not even and I need, well a bit of artificial augmentation. Don’t worry, she said, no one will be able to tell you’re wearing make-up.

I strutted into Nordstrom’s right when they opened, in my jeans and black t-shirt. I wanted them to see the real me. I remember the last time I wore make-up. It was my freshman year in college and I let a friend make me up to go to a party. I wasn’t quite sure of my sexuality yet. Suddenly, I had all this attention from guys, like I never had before. But I HATED it. Not just because I was a budding homosexual, but because I felt like who they were attracted to wasn’t the real me. When I got back to my dorm, I threw all their numbers away and scrubbed my face clean. I haven’t touched mascara (or a man) since.

At the Mac counter, I searched for a fag to help me, surely, he’d understand. But there were none to be found. So I grabbed a young rebel girl with dyed blonde hair with two vastly different make up styles on each side of her face.

“I need some make up,” I mustered out. “But it can’t be too feminine. I have to look like a tomboy.” Thankfully, this girl seemed to understand as clearly as if I’d worn my “I Lick Labias” t-shirt. “We’ll just even your skin tone out,” she said. “And some light mascara to bring your eyes out.” I was thankful she didn’t make me sit in a chair while she applied different shades and colors of god-knows what to my face. The other women in the store seemed to be enjoying their make-overs.

I said yes to the first thing she suggested and was out of there in ten minutes, trying to hide the bag under my armpit as I walked through the men’s department, eyeing the new Fall shoes.

_{$72 worth of butch make-up}

QUESTION :: Losing My Wife to Lesbians

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I’m a straight man in a great long-term marriage. My wife and I recently started renting porn and all she ever wants to watch are lesbians. At first, it was a turn on, but now I’m concerned. Is she a lesbian?
Losing My Wife to Lesbians

Lipstick: Don’t worry mister man—it sounds like your wife is just embracing her sexuality. Halleluiah! I hope she tells all her friends and it catches on like a wildfire across California! No need to be threatened by her craving for cunnilingus, it doesn’t mean she’s looking for a little lesbian of her own. From what I hear, most men dream of having a wife like her, so instead of feeling shaky and insufficient, pay close attention, get on your knees and thank Sappho that your wife’s open enough to admit she’s turned on by a little girl-on-girl action. Lucky you.

Dipstick: And while you’re on your knees, why not practice some of those moves your porn star friends are so fond of. My guess is your lady is not so much longing for the lesbians, but the kind of pleasure they can provide. Shave your whiskers and get busy, boy!

My Man Crush

Okay, so Dipstick and I were in San Francisco recently for Pride and we got to meet mayor Gavin Newsom. I have to say that I was a little smitten when I shook his hand. I blushed. I'm about as lesbian as they come, but damn, he is one handsome dude. It was the first time I'd ever wished I was a gay man--not that it would've mattered, he's about as straight as they come. He's the King Metrosexual. My crush was so unexpected, only to turn around and see Dipstick also blushing. The butch was beside herself, too! Look how rosy red she is. You can't see it in the picture, but Dipstick also had her hand on his butt cheek. She's one brazen butch.

WE LOVE YOU GAVIN!
THANKS FOR BEING OUR CHAMPION!

Calvin the Clairvoyant

Do you believe that there is life after death? Do believe in reincarnation?

I do, thanks to our nephew, Calvin the Clairvoyant. Let me explain...

My wife and I recently visited our nephew (the love of our life) and his parents (who we adore, too) and something crazy happened that left all of us in the car stunned.

First, it's important to note that Calvin doesn't have a huge vocabulary and is only beginning to put choppy sentences together.

So, we were on our way to the beach and driving past this expansive cemetery with rolling hills of green when Calvin says, "Mommy, what's that?"

"A cemetary," she says.
He pops a Cheerio in his mouth and says, "People come back."

We all looked at him and he was gazing at the headstones, still popping those little O's in his mouth like he'd just said he wanted his sippy cup.

What do you think? Do you think kids--the younger they are--are more in touch with the other side? And then once we get older, we become more skeptical and sanitized of other world possibilities?

While I'm on this subject and asking questions...Do you think the government outlawed psychedelic drugs like acid and shrooms because they take us to another level of consciousness, one the government doesn't want us to see? It's a theory my brother and I have...

(Check out Calvin's shirt!)

QUESTION :: Cuntfused High School Girl

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: There's this straight girl who I've known for two and a half years and yesterday was her last day of high school (I still have two more years). She's known since the day we met that I liked girls and she's known for two years that I've liked her. In the time we became very close and are best friends. The last few weeks we've become really close. We spend almost every weekend on my couch watching movies and one night she told me she was cold so I got to cuddle with her for the night (nothing else happened). Logically I assumed I would be sleeping on a couch when I went to visit her at her apartment. She was surprised when I told her this because she assumed we would be sharing a bed. She has a boyfriend and claims to be straight but, some of her activities points to bi. She made out with a few of our female friends but refuses to do anything with me. Yet, she'll make little comments about how she fears she will never be as close to a guy as she is with me. Am I just hopeful or is she trying to get to known me in a more intimate way? I don't know what to do anymore and I need help. Is there any advice you can give me?
Cuntfused

Dipstick: Yes, we have advice. Your friend likes you, but most likely is as confused as you. She is probably dealing with coming out, which is a process that takes time. She has a boyfriend, yet she has strong feelings for you. This is very common with people who are trying to figure it out. Your best bet is to try and be as open and honest with her as you can. But don't make out with her. She has a boyfriend and that's cheating. We don't think cheating is ever a good idea. Why don't you open up to her and ask her if she's ever questioned her sexuality. See where this conversation goes. But don't be surprised if she doesn't want to talk about it. Remember, coming out involves a lot of internal processing before being able to talk about it. Just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk about these kinds of things. Someday you may want to tell her of your feelings for her, but right now is not the best time. Give her some time to figure out her feelings first.

Lipstick Katherine, is that you? You could be my very first girlfriend writing in, it’s so CAH-RAZY. Cuntfused, you wrote to the right person, for I’ve been in your little high school shoes, except, lucky for you, I was your “straight” friend. The one giving mixed signals.

What she’s going through is a major internal freak out. She has intense feelings for you which confuse her, but she can’t help herself when you’re around—hence you get to sleep in her bed and fall asleep in her arms. She’s either bisexual or gay. But here’s the tricky part—and the reason you must solder a cage around your heart—she might never figure that out. Odds are, however, that she will since she’s already exploring that part of herself (kissing girls and feeling closer to you than anyone else in the world) and especially at such a young age. But there’s a chance, and we have seen it time and again, that she’ll slide into a place of denial, shame will cloud her goggles and she’ll just stay on the straight path because it’s safe.

Like the Dip said, be patient and be there for her, but don’t smooch until she’s single. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the cuddling. There is nothing like the exhilaration of spooning with someone with whom you’re smitten. It gives me butterflies just thinking about it. Save the kissing for after she works through her shit and breaks up with her BF, which, I’d hope and expect, to be imminent.

I Heart Monteal

I recently was sent to Montreal, Quebec on a press trip for Curve and let me tell you, Montreal kicks major ass. The Montrealers are so down to earth and charming with their cool social climate and charming accents--it was hard for me to leave. Thanks to the Tourism Bureau of Montreal, I had a fantastic time. Some of the great things I did while I was there include: shopping and eating in Old Montreal (I'm sure I lived there in a former life since I was so at home), the Botanic Gardens, Atwater Market, Notre Dame (breathtaking), Museum of Fine Arts, Saint Viateur bagels (hold hell -- delish!), Montreal Science Museum (where I saw Body Worlds 2), shopping on St. Catherine street, Casino (lost money but saw a great show!), Cirque du Soleil's Kooza (my favorite Cirque show second only to O).

Beyond the press trip, I also stayed a few extra days for the International Gay and Lesbian Travel Association conference where I had a hoot and met so many great queers (and some straight allies) from all over the world!

xo
Lip

When a column goes up in flames

So, lately, Dipstick and I have been getting into trouble with readers for some of the things we've written in our column and I'd like to send a message to all of you out there who've gotten bent out of shape for something we've said:

LIGHTEN UP!

While we totally respect (really, we do) your opinion, why get your panties in a bunch because we're trying to be funny or playfully self-deprecating--toward the lesbian community or otherwise. What's the harm in that? Life's too serious sometimes. While it's true, our words do reach lots and lots of lesbians, what's also true is that we're not only advice columnists, but also creative writers who enjoy gleaning innocent humor from daily minutia and our dykely lot in life.

So for those of you who lose sleep over something we said, we'd encourage you to take two of these (chill pills) and write us in the morning.

As always, yours truly,
Lipstick & Dipstick

I can't believe I didn't make the List!!

The list of the Top 15 Hottest Butches, that is! AfterEllen.com ranked who they considered to be the hottest butches of all time and Dipstick isn't one of them. I mean, I may not be hotter than Shane, but I am butcher than her, don't you think? And hell, some of those women are straight. At least in real life. Sure, it's easy to play a butch in the movies, but try to live your life as one day in and day out.

I know what you're thinking. After Ellen's list is about butches in film, TV and music. So that MUST be why I'm not on the list, right. Well, what about my appearance on Round Trip Ticket on Logo last summer? Don't you think that would have qualified me? I mean nothing against that cute butches they picked and all. kd lang is pretty swank. And Joan Jett rocks my world.

But Laurel Holloman for her role as Randy in The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love. Have they forgotten this little tomboy grew into the whiny, conservative and FEMME Tina Kinnard on The L Word?

It's okay though. The people who really matter know Dipstick is a butch who can't be beat. I won't be offended if you start a write-in campaign to get me on next year's list!

Were you born gay?

I know I was.

Do you think you were born gay or was it what happened outside the womb that made you the big dyke you are today?

Pray tell...

xo
Lip

Ask Us, We'll Tell

Our favorite part of going to Pride was meeting so many of you who came up to the booth to say hello. We met Dee and Jay in San Francisco. Both of them served in the military. Nobody asked me, but if they did, I could certainly "tell." Not that I would tell. Not on two women as cool as this. I mean, who else do we want defending our country? You know the dykes will do it right!

QUESTION :: Scared & Sane

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I just recently left an emotionally abusive woman who destroyed my personal and professional life. We worked together and she used her influence to keep me from promoting within the company. The situation got so bad, I finally asked for a transfer. Despite moving across the country, she continued to call and come to town whenever possible. When I recently refused to see her, she and her friends started a rumor about me in the community. I thought I was safe when she married her girlfriend on my b-day (not a coincidence) and left the country, but she continued to call. I lied and told her I was dating someone else, someone she knew and was afraid of. So far this has to worked, as I haven’t heard from her in almost a year. Here’s the real dilemma. Next week, I have to go back to my old office for an important meeting and I’m terrified she’s going to find out and harass me once again. I just got my sanity back. Do you have any suggestions for dialing down the drama, keeping me safe, and interacting with my freaky ex? Scared & Sane

Lipstick: I have two words for you: restraining order. Is it too late to apply for one? This crackpot is a piece of work! First and foremost, do not, under any circumstance, find yourself alone with this woman. How could she unload her toxic bullshit with another co-worker in the room? If you’re standing near the boss, she’ll back her dump truck out of the area and save it for another day, a day when you’re a thousand miles away. Also, before you travel, talk to the HR manager and give them a heads up. If they know Lulu and have half a clue, they won’t be surprised that she’s trying to destroy you. Most lunatics are transparent psychopaths in other areas of life, too. Beyond being a safe haven for you, your company is under legal obligation to protect you when the schizoid comes unhinged again. If they don’t help out, I’ve got two more words for you: fat lawsuit. Which lead me to two more: retire early.

Dipstick: Lipstick, if only… The truth is most batterers are NOT psycho to the rest of the world. They are conniving and manipulative and show their best face to the world. That’s how they charm the pants off unsuspecting victims like S&S. Here’s what you need to do sister: You’ve got to go double-crazy on her. Hopefully stalker gal won’t be there when you head back to the office, but if she is, be prepared! Sign up for the women’s self defense class at your local community center. Rent some Bruce Lee DVDs and watch them on the plane trip back. Practice in the airplane aisle if you need to. Once you explain yourself to the stewardess, she’ll understand. Walk tall into the building and don’t let her intimidate you. Carry some mace in your purse for extra confidence. If Looney looks your way, let out a long, hideous laugh. Roll your eyes around like you’re the crazy one. Chances are she won’t come near you. But if she does, jump into a kung fu stance and warn her if she comes near you you’ll rip her neck open. Go ballistic—it works every time.

A picture is worth a thousand orgasms

As Lipstick and I were making our way to the San Francisco Pride Parade, we ran across this sad discarded bunny. How did she end up in the middle of the road? Was she perhaps ejaculated out in a moment of ecstasy? Or was there a Market Street orgy after the Dyke March that we weren't invited to?

Whatever the case, we just feel for Bunny. She looks so disjected, used and discarded. Dear readers, please don't treat your sex toys this way. When it's time for them to retire, give them the proper burial they deserve.

QUESTION :: Been There, Done That

This question landed in my inbox today:


Dear Lipstick:

I saw you on Secret Lives of Women on WE TV, the lipstick lesbian show. I just wanted to comment that I was a lipstick lesbian for many years and am ashamed to say home many women I went through to find the right one. Well, I never found one that did not play games and cheat on me.

I have nothing but bad feelings towards the gay thing and will never go back to it. I just think that it's fake to put on a show that being gay is great when I lived these games for over 20 years. I am glad to say I am living a normal life now without all those ridiculous games and cheating. I don't mean to put you down in anyway, but I think it's wrong to advertise to the public that being homosexual is a commitment--this lifestyle will never support commitment.

Sorry speaking from cold hard facts that I can speak to because I lived it for too many years and feel it was a waste of my young years.

Been There, Done That


Dear Been There, Done That:

Thanks for dropping us a note. This email made me sad for you--it must be hard to be harboring all that negativity. There is no show here; my experience as a gay woman is a far-cry from the 20 years you spent "being a lipstick lesbian", which may have been a show for you. (Were you really able to just turn your homosexuality off? If so, that's a first.)

My identity as a lipstick lesbian is very organic, in the same way being a woman is. I've been happily married for many years and while the road is not always easy (we are human after all), we are firmly committed to one another and our relationship. The word "commitment" is very real in our life together.

I've had lesbian drama in past relationships, sure, but it was nothing different than the juvenile drama my high school boyfriend and I stirred up way back when, nor any different than fraternity guys cheating on me in college.

And I know hundreds of other happily partnered lesbians who have beautiful, loving relationships, too.

Perhaps the issue for you back then wasn't so much about the lesbian community, but the lesbians you surrounded yourself with and the women you dated. Quality people are quality people. Integrity is integrity, even if it's wrapped in rainbow flag.

We wish you peace,
Lipstick & Dipstick

We Love You All

Lipstick and I were blown away with the number of you who came up to us at San Francisco and Portland Prides to say hello and snap a photo. Here are our new friends Azar & Jen at the San Francisco Pride booth.