Curve Magazine :: Under the Mistletoe

We thought you'd appreciate seeing our column here on our blog, in case you've been too busy Christmas shopping to pick up Curve Magazine yet. Or if you live in New England and the postman hasn't been able to get to your ice storm house. It's Curve's holiday issue and this is one of my favorite pictures of Dipstick and I.

Happy Christmas and Merry Chanukah!

XO
L & D

Let Your Answer Be Heard in Curve Magazine

Dipstick and I are taking our questions to the street. We recently received a question from a reader and we want your help. We'll be answering this question in the April issue of Curve and we want your input. Vote on the sidebar this weekend and let us know what you think. The poll closes on Monday, so get in your vote today!

<<<<<<----------------------- VOTE ON SIDEBAR POLL----------------------------------- Why do lesbians feel the need to be friend with their exes?

- It’s all about pheromones.
- Separation anxiety is too intense.
- They’re still sleeping together, at the least still spooning.
- It’s all about sharing the Subaru.
- It’s simple: plan B.
- Lesbians are programmed this way, for better or worse.
- Sappho the dog and/or Pussy the cat.

Question:: Secular in San Jose

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: My buddy “Karen” is a sweet and loving friend to me and the whole gang we run around with, but unfortunately, even though she looks like a bulldyke, she is the most inner-homophobic person I know because of her Christian upbringing. How can we help our friend accept herself? —Secular in San Jose

Dipstick: My guess is Karen enjoys feeling bad about herself and she feeds on the sympathy you give her. I just did a quick search on gaychurch.org and found 637 gay-friendly churches in California, 19 Christian ones in San Jose. So feeling bad about being gay because of religion just doesn’t cut it anymore. Times have changed. Everybody knows that Jesus was a radical and if he were alive today he would hang out with the drag queens, butches and peace activists. Tell your friend to check out a gay-friendly church and get over her victim complex.

Lipstick: Oh Dip, you need a vacation — all that pent up energy is making you narrow-minded and insensitive. Internalized homophobia lives in all of us, even you. It’s one of those things that creeps up on us when we’re least expecting it, too, like a yeast infection or an extra ten pounds.

Dipstick: Or a broken crankshaft.

Lipstick: A broken what?

Dipstick: It’s in your engine.

Lipstick: [shaking her head] Internalized homophobia manifests in many different ways. It could be the reason you haven’t come out of the closet: you’re ashamed and think it will hurt your relationships and/or career. It could be why you avoid Gay Pride or why you don’t want to have kids. Regardless of how it rears its ugly head, internalized homophobia grows from unresolved issues, those that were conceived at church, the dinner table or on the evening news. How to get rid of them? Get under the root of those prejudices (especially ones about yourself) and unearth them. There’s nothing wrong with being gay — just ask a pastor at one of the queer-friendly churches Dip recommended.

Lesbians and Nickelback

So often you write to us, we write back, but we never get to put a face to your name. This weekend, however, in Eugene, one of you who wrote to us for advice came up and introduced yourself. We didn’t remember your moniker Cell Hell but when you said “Nickelback” we remembered exactly who you were. Here’s a flashback to Curve magazine June 2007.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: My partner of three years has been acting strange lately. She's been hiding her cell phone whenever it rings and she never shows up on time. About two weeks ago, we went see Nickleback in concert. When we got there, I saw her texting someone, so I looked over her shoulder and saw she was writing a girl. I confronted her and she told me I was crazy. Later that night, when she was sleeping, I looked at her phone and saw another message from this girl: "Goodnight Sweet Cheeks. Until then…see you in my dreams." I woke her up and we got into a fight. She said she had no clue why this girl was texting her and promised to tell her to stop and that she really did love me. Things were fine for a week and then a couple of days ago there was another text from the same girl. I work nights and after I’d been gone, I found a text on her phone that said: "It meant so much to me that you held me in your arms all night. I love you." Again, I confronted her and she swears there’s nothing going on. I'm so confused and hurt and not sure what to believe. I need some good advice. — Cell Hell

Lipstick: Dayum—this is tragic. And not only because she’s a big fat liar, but also because you’re letting her pin you up as the fool. But before I go there, I have a question: do lesbians really go to Nickleback concerts? Anyway, this woman is a conniving wench who should get a boot up her ass immediately. Just like that song you love, it’s not like her to say she’s sorry. Your only mistake was handing her a heart worth breaking. Dump the fart stain (thanks Rosie) and do it fast, Cell Hell. Before you go, flush her phone down the toilet! I’m not kidding.

Dipstick: Lipstick is right about everything except flushing the cell. Instead, grab it and text the girl back, pretending to be your girlfriend. Call her Sweet Cheeks, Babe and throw in a Snookums for good measure. Butter her up and get her to admit to the sexing we all know is going on. Then, from your own phone, send your girlfriend this text message: F-CK OFF B-TCH.

Question:: Falling Down a Hole

Have you ever accidentally sent an email the wrong person? You know, you were ranting about your ex-lover and somehow her address ended up in the out box and she found out everything you said about her. Well it seems that is what happened here. Except the unexpected recipient was us, Lipstick & Dipstick. Here is a letter we recently received:

Okay, so I'm kind of dating this girl. We talk everyday. We see one another a lot, we kiss, flirt, all the stuff that goes along with dating. We do not have sex. Just thought I would throw that out there before you think I'm more horrible then you will in a minute. There's only one problem. She's been in a relationship for 8 yrs with her girlfriend. They have two kids. They've broken up a few times. There's been infidelity issues, and they no longer have sex. While I respect the fact that I am a complete and total schmuck for getting involved with a woman that's in a relationship, at the same time I don't want to let her go. She's amazing. She keeps asking me where was I 5 months ago, the last time her and her girl split up. Is this one of those set it free, see if it comes back moments? Can we still be friends if she decides to fix things with her other half?

Falling Down A Hole

And this is our response:

Dear Falling:
You hit the nail on the head. It's one of those set it free and see if she comes back to you situations. This woman is very tangled in her other life and you are a distraction for her to deal with the issues that are going on there. She needs to deal with not only the issues of her relationship, but her own internal issues about why things didn't work out between them. As long as she has you to distract her, she won't get to those.

And while we're on issues, you should also take this time to reflect on what it is inside you that allowed you to get involved with someone who is unavailable. You can joke and say it's because you're a schmuck, but my guess is it's something deeper.

Warning: if she is not able to be faithful to one lover, chances are shewon't be able to be faithful to you either. My bet is, it's best for you to move on from this lady and far. Friendship is probably not an option at this point. Maybe in the future when you're both clearer about what has drawn you to each other.
Lipstick & Dipstick


It seems Falling forwarded our answer to the lady mentioned above. When said lady replied to Falling, she accidentally cc’ed us. Reading her response, I’m even more concerned for Falling. God brought them together? Oh My!
Oh and she sent it from her work. Not the brightest. I hope her boss wasn’t cc’ed too! Read on:

First of all you weren't completely honest with them I would NEVER cheat on YOU...You cheated on me remember, I understand this blanket situation but Alix we both know God brought us together, life is supernatural and NOT blanket between us. Once a cheater always a cheater.... do you really believe that? Because if you do then you will cheat on me again.... let’s think about OUR story not others stories. When I cheated on Sarah it was because I was alone and didn't know better nature vs. nurture, my mom has cheated lied been married 8 times, had five engagement rings at one time then she had her accident and when all five men were at the hospital, there I was 12 years old scared confused alone, almost lost my mom, her face was gone they had to reconstruct everything, imagine that an only child, my only mom, dead on the bed, glass protruding from her face her arms, blood everywhere, her face the size of a watermelon and me there alone with five men who loved her, who hated her, I was lost, and I had secrets, secrets of incest, secrets of love in my dreams, secrets of sexuality ,It took years to recover, some days I'm still wounded, I NEVER thought about ever leaving just settling, I know I'm not ugly I know some women find me attractive and some have tempted me but I said NO NO, then you, your light set me free.....I fell in love with you the moment I saw you....That moment my life changed forever, I was forever in love with you.....don't trivialize my feelings for you Alix, it's NOT BLANKET, it's supernatural!

Now that you know the whole story. What would you say to Falling and her married girlfriend?

Question:: Scared & Sane

Lipstick & Dipstick:
I just recently left an emotionally abusive woman who destroyed my personal and professional life. We worked together and she used her influence to keep me from promoting within the company. The situation got so bad, I finally asked for a transfer. Despite moving across the country, she continued to call and come to town whenever possible. When I recently refused to see her, she and her friends started a rumor about me in the community. I thought I was safe when she married her girlfriend on my b-day (not a coincidence) and left the country, but she continued to call. I lied and told her I was dating someone else, someone she knew and was afraid of. So far this has worked, as I haven’t heard from her in almost a year. Here’s the real dilemma. Next week, I have to go back to my old office for an important meeting and I’m terrified she’s going to find out and harass me once again. I just got my sanity back. Do you have any suggestions for dialing down the drama, keeping me safe, and interacting with my freaky ex?
Scared & Sane

Lipstick: I have two words for you: restraining order. Is it too late to apply for one? This crackpot is a piece of work! First and foremost, do not, under any circumstance, find yourself alone with this woman. How could she unload her toxic bullshit with another co-worker in the room? If you’re standing near the boss, she’ll back her dump truck out of the area and save it for another day, a day when you’re a thousand miles away. Also, before you travel, talk to the HR manager and give them a heads up. If they know Lulu and have half a clue, they won’t be surprised that she’s trying to destroy you. Most lunatics are transparent psychopaths in other areas of life, too. Beyond being a safe haven for you, your company is under legal obligation to protect you when the schizoid comes unhinged again. If they don’t help out, I’ve got two more words for you: fat lawsuit. Which lead me to two more: retire early.

Dipstick: Lipstick, if only… The truth is most batterers are NOT psycho to the rest of the world. They are conniving and manipulative and show their best face to the world. That’s how they charm the pants off unsuspecting victims like S&S. Here’s what you need to do sister: You’ve got to go double-crazy on her. Hopefully stalker gal won’t be there when you head back to the office, but if she is, be prepared! Sign up for the women’s self defense class at your local community center. Rent some Bruce Lee DVDs and watch them on the plane trip back. Practice in the airplane aisle if you need to. Once you explain yourself to the stewardess, she’ll understand. Walk tall into the building and don’t let her intimidate you. Carry some mace in your purse for extra confidence. If Looney looks your way, let out a long, hideous laugh. Roll your eyes around like you’re the crazy one. Chances are she won’t come near you. But if she does, jump into a kung fu stance and warn her if she comes near you you’ll rip her neck open. Go ballistic—it works every time.

Letter from a Military Woman

Dipstick is in trouble with the military gals again. Read on:

To Lipstick and Dipstick:

I would like to ask you both if you have any idea what it is like to
go to Iraq, leave your family and your life and hope and have faith
that you come home alive? It really disappointed me how you can give
out advice so off-the-cuff without any consideration of what it is
like. I happen to be in the military and am leaving for Iraq next
month. I will be gone for 15 months or until they see fit to let us
come home. It is a very serious issue when you have a partner and
for us, we love one another and will have been committed a whole
year the first week of next month (together for 3). I won't even be
able to celebrate it with her. When I read your response like " Oh
well if you end up in the hot tub with someone else..." or defending
the oil" How do you know what we do over there? By the news? If it
is your own opinion state it! That is bullshit! If you know how it
feels fine, but don't crack jokes or write to people giving them
advice if you have no idea or can stop one minute to empathize with
what emotions they are going through. I am a professional and have
large amounts of responsibility as so does she. We are not about to
go out and start whoring around simply because I have decided to
support my soldiers and sacrifice for my country.

I would give you both some advice, it is not personal, but please
consider the consequences of what you put in this magazine. There
are some that probably read this and take it and run with your
advice, me on the other-hand, I am older, more mature and absolutely hate drama and 99% of the time laugh at what you write.

I hope you both can understand what I am getting at.

-Military Woman

This refers to Volume 17 Number 8 page 26 under Advice from Lipstick and Dipstick letter from cheating chicks and the response they had.

Dear Military Woman:
First of all, let me be the first to say that we do not take your service to our country lightly. You’re right, we have no experience with war and can’t imagine what is must be like for you. Not only to put yourself and your life at risk, but to have to do so in the closet in order to be there. Plus being away from your true love for that long and not being able to be open about that. We appreciate and respect what you do.

Second, the line about oil, that was not how I wrote the line. Our editor changed it.

But most importantly, the advice we gave was not to you and your partner, but to two women who have a history of cheating. I stand by my advice to have a serious discussion about putting the relationship on hold until she returns from service. I think it is good and sound advice in this situation. Obviously she was having doubts about being faithful, or she wouldn’t have written to us.

Now, as you know, Lipstick & Dipstick are not Dear Abby. We like to be racy and have fun. Lipstick’s comments about the hot tub were not meant to be taken literally. Surely, even the most naïve Curve reader will recognize that. We were having fun and trying to entertain.

But obviously we hit a sore spot with you. Sometimes humor does that.

Just so you know, no disrespect was intended to you or to any of our service members.
In Peace,
Dipstick

Dipstick,

I read your column to my partner, as not only do I have to go to Iraq for as long as the Army determines, we have to live in different states. This is hard enough and the column did set me off. She agreed with my comments. I am not by any means naive about anything, I just take the military serious and don't want some of the readers to think that it is a bunch of laughs.

I happen to be a licensed clinical social worker and I know exactly what you and your counterpart were attempting to do. But you could have written it differently. I knew it was about cheating.

Like I said, I did not mean it to be personal, just be careful. Your column happens to be one of my favorite parts of the magazine. But, I wrote Flo and told her to send it to my partner as I should not get it in Iraq. I will pick it back up when I come home.

Thank you for writing back. When I get to retire and put the uniform down knowing I don't have to be put out due to the don't ask don't tell you will probably see me out there taking up the "family" causes. Just remember us over there each doing our job so we can have magazines like this and to be able to have the freedoms we do.

Thanks for returning my email.

Army Woman

Question:: Labor Day Career Advice

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I been in school for nearly six years and it feels like forever. I already have a degree, but I’m back in school pursuing other interests. Utilizing my Public Affairs degree, how do I nail down something that will keep me happy while I figure out what I want to do?
Student of Life

Lipstick: Hell if I know. Why not peddle houses like many gay men I know? Or become a school teacher like every other lesbo in America? It’s no wonder they say that Generation Next is a liberal hotbed of wisdom and social justice and that being gay will be a no-brainer in future decades—they’ve all been taught by a bunch of homos. The irony. I doubt Dubya would be doling out any A’s to schools if he knew the truth: lunchtime looks more like a lesbian bar than a educators in a break room—the two hets at one table and the rest of the teachers huddled together telling queer jokes and betting on how many baby dykes are in their homeroom.

Dipstick: Public Affairs? Is that where you study the lives of famous people who cheat on their wives? No wonder you love school. I think with all the knowledge you’ve gained in your studies, you could probably write a book or two about those famous people and the women who love them. You may even get rich and famous yourself and have some affairs of your own. Now, that sounds like a fulfilling career! Seriously though, Dipstick has found that most people who’re truly happy are the ones with well-rounded lives. They enjoy not just their careers, but their home and family life. They have exciting hobbies like windsurfing and knitting to keep them stimulated. So, no matter what job you end in, make sure you keep the rest of your life interesting and you’ll be happy for many years.

Question:: Miserable Mona

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been with my girlfriend, Janelle, for five years and, to be honest, it’s been a downhill ride. We are constantly arguing and she is insanely jealous. You know the type, the kind that is a control freak and doesn’t like me to have friends. Because I’m so miserable, I’ve been secretly seeing someone for three months. What should I do?
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Lipstick: In your honor, I’m listening to The Clash on my Ipod as I write, and, just for you, I pinned my jeans and feathered my hair in the coffee shop’s bathroom, so I’m good and ready to dispense advice. Now, 80’s Dyke, you need to get a razor blade and cut the umbilical chord. Why are you suckling Mama when there is nothing but poison coming from her nipples? To make things worse, she’s not the only one who’s discharging toxins—you are, too, by cheating on her! I know it’s tough to see much else when you’re going down on a beautiful woman, but trust me when I say that you’re compromising your integrity by staying with Janelle and having sex with No Name in the shadows. And for what? You’re miserable. Even though five years is a respectable commitment, you should—as my Grandma used to say when I was potty training—either shit or get off the pot.

Dipstick: No, Clash Fan, don’t walk, stay. Dipstick loves it when dyke drama escalates and I can’t wait until Jealous Janelle finds out you’re having an affair! Obviously, you two like playing with fire—why else would you have stayed with someone who stalks your every move and cuts you off from your friends? The thing that’s so addictive about abusive relationships is how alive the drama makes you feel and how seductive make-up sex can be. Can your new affair match the post-spat passion between you and your possessive partner? Leslie Lange has outlined your predictable scenario in her book Dyke Drama: Your Guide to Getting Out Alive. If you leave Janelle now, without changing the things about yourself that kept you with her for five years, I predict one of three things: A) you and your new love will cement your pattern of jealousy and distrust; B) you’ll go running back to Janelle once the boredom of a normal relationship sets in; C) all three of you will end up on Jerry Springer. If it’s C, be sure to drop me an email so I can Tivo it.

QUESTION :: Depressed Dyke

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been hanging around this girl Sloan for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten really close. She’d never been with a woman before so I was afraid as I fell for her, but our attraction was so strong. We got "together" one time and it seemed to go ok...no complaints. However, about two weeks ago, she said we should split up because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said she isn’t sure if she wants to date women. My friends all agree that Sloan’s too butch to be straight, not to mention, she only hangs out with women. Now, I’m not sure who’s confused—me or her. Should I walk away? Depressed Dyke

Lipstick: Yes, but you’d be lucky to get out alive at this point, Double D, so I’m coming at you in my air tight damage control suit. It’s not what you want to hear, but you need to get the F out of dodge. Sloan says she doesn’t want to break your heart and I’m sure she means it…but she’s getting ready to anyway. If you don’t rip off the Duct tape she’s wrapped around your heart, it’s really gonna hurt when she slooowly peels it off. Even if you and your cronies think that Sloan’s a lesbo, the important thing is that she does, too. Coming to terms with one’s sexuality—no matter how dykey she looks or who she hangs with—is its own process, one that cannot be coerced by a pack of prophesying dipsticks. Next time you feel yourself skidding down the slippery slope with a straight girl, write to us before you sleep with her!

Dipstick: DD, as much as we like to believe all butches worship the lavender labia, it just isn’t so. Take my neighbor Max, she drives a truck, owns a construction business and keeps her hair short and nails trimmed. She even has a lesbian name, for Christ’s sake! As much as my dykely friends try to convince her she’s a homo, truth is, it’s only big butch men that rattle her toolbox. As for your friends, it can be quite disconcerting when gaydar is off, but like the radar detector in my 87 Trans-Am, which sometimes goes off from a garage door opener or security system, it’s not foolproof. Lipstick is right, walk away now. If she has a change of heart, she knows how to find you.

PS: And by the way DD, I’m sure you can do better than “Okay, no complaints!” Don’t give us dykes a bad name when sexing the straight girls.

An Officer and a Lady :: Letter to Dipstick

Dear Dipstick:

I've thought about your comment the you made to “Bummed in the Barracks.” I have always taken your comments with humor but I was taken back by your comment on why any honorable gay or lesbian would join the military and go fight for a country that denies them basic human rights. Some of us are not lucky enough to have been born in an area that allows us to be open to who we are. Essentially, we have lived in the closet our whole lives. The military is our only way out. They provide us food, clothing, a roof over our heads and an education. These are the examples of basic human rights that the military gives us. They took me in at 18. I had a high school education but I was in a dead end job in a small town in the middle of nowhere. They gave me a technical trade and provided money for me to go to college and earn a degree. Without the military, a significant amount of us would either be in an unwanted marriage (to conform to society) or dead. Of course this has come with the cost of staying in the closet but if I would have stayed at home, I would have to be in the closet. If I would have come out, at home, I am sure I would have come up missing or been the one everyone pointed at and made fun of.

I do have a question for you. On 9-11 did you worry about your safety, but were still able to go to sleep that night? Do you lay awake at night worrying about your safety? Do you enjoy your freedom to write your advice column? Do you enjoy your freedom of being gay when in some countries you would have been hung? Do you know that the military is on guard (all over the world and in the US) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to protect the things that we Americans hold dear? I know this because I would give my life to protect the freedom and liberties that are taken for granted. I will continue to read Curve but I think you owe us an apology.

Signed,
An officer and a lady

Dear Officer

Thanks for taking the time to write. I sincerely did not mean to hurt any one's feelings by my comment. Thank you for explaining your position.

I understand the freedoms that I enjoy as an American citizen and I do know that many of them are in part due to the U.S. Military. I thank you for your service.

Still, I do hold firm in my belief that gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly and freely in the military and that gays and lesbians should be afforded ALL the same rights as other Americans stateside.

I did not mean to put you down, or those who served in the military. I respect you immensely for what you have done. My issue is not with you, but with the system that is so homophobic.

I wish, and maybe you do too, that there was another option for you to escape your small town. I also wish there were another way to bring peace and justice into the world without fighting wars. Call me an idealist, but I do not believe in war as a way to peace. I think if we put as much money and resources into solving international problems in a nonviolent way, we would find a solution that doesn't involve a system that kills innocent people, maims brave soldiers and destroys economies.

I hear what you have to say. That the military probably saved your life. But you can't blame me for wanting more. More for you. More for those soldiers who are fighting an unknown enemy. More for me and my partner who want marriage equality.

Even though I said I don't understand why someone would join the military, really I do. Because sadly, for people like you, that was the only option out. But I also believe that had there been a few more options some of you would have chosen another path.

That's how I feel. I welcome comments from anyone on this topic. Post them below.
Dipstick

QUESTION :: Slippery & Single

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick
Recently, I hooked up with this woman on a one night stand. She was hot and smooth and did all the right things until we made it to the bedroom. Then, she was like a child in her first sandbox, unsure of the right thing to do. She not only had the ickiest and cheapest toys, she didn’t even have any lube. Is it proper hook-up etiquette to bring your own toys and lube on a first date? Slippery & Single


Dipstick: Absolutely! Every lezzie girl scout knows the first rule of the road is, “Be Prepared!” Single gals should always carry a “just in case” kit whenever there’s the chance of scoring—which really is ANYTIME. Not only is it not tacky to bring your own toys, it’s good etiquette. And a few more things, not everyone is as skilled in the bedroom as The L Word’s Shane. Do the entire lesbian community a favor and teach this puppy a few new tricks. Her future partners will thank you. Finally, Dipstick says it’s much better to walk than drive an ‘88 Yugo with no motor oil. If the toys are inadequate, go au naturel.

Lipstick: Beyond bringing your own accoutrement, crack the whip, sweetie, and call this hottie in from recess. Lure her out the sandbox (L note: there’s nothing like a sandy crotch to kill the mood) and teach her a few lessons. Lesson #1: invest in your toys, ones that are not only versatile, but also durable and delicious. Hold up her hollow, antiquated weenie next to your malleable, pulsating jewel. The visual should do it, but if you don’t see the light bulb, show her the benefits of your pearly rabbit. Then, move to Lesson #2: get out your lube and squirt a dollop in the palm of her hand. In fact, just empty the bottle and wrestle her to the ground. Once her boobs are sliding against yours, she’ll fully realize the benefits of the girly grease and keep it within arms reach next time!

QUESTION :: Losing My Wife to Lesbians

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I’m a straight man in a great long-term marriage. My wife and I recently started renting porn and all she ever wants to watch are lesbians. At first, it was a turn on, but now I’m concerned. Is she a lesbian?
Losing My Wife to Lesbians

Lipstick: Don’t worry mister man—it sounds like your wife is just embracing her sexuality. Halleluiah! I hope she tells all her friends and it catches on like a wildfire across California! No need to be threatened by her craving for cunnilingus, it doesn’t mean she’s looking for a little lesbian of her own. From what I hear, most men dream of having a wife like her, so instead of feeling shaky and insufficient, pay close attention, get on your knees and thank Sappho that your wife’s open enough to admit she’s turned on by a little girl-on-girl action. Lucky you.

Dipstick: And while you’re on your knees, why not practice some of those moves your porn star friends are so fond of. My guess is your lady is not so much longing for the lesbians, but the kind of pleasure they can provide. Shave your whiskers and get busy, boy!

QUESTION :: Cuntfused High School Girl

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: There's this straight girl who I've known for two and a half years and yesterday was her last day of high school (I still have two more years). She's known since the day we met that I liked girls and she's known for two years that I've liked her. In the time we became very close and are best friends. The last few weeks we've become really close. We spend almost every weekend on my couch watching movies and one night she told me she was cold so I got to cuddle with her for the night (nothing else happened). Logically I assumed I would be sleeping on a couch when I went to visit her at her apartment. She was surprised when I told her this because she assumed we would be sharing a bed. She has a boyfriend and claims to be straight but, some of her activities points to bi. She made out with a few of our female friends but refuses to do anything with me. Yet, she'll make little comments about how she fears she will never be as close to a guy as she is with me. Am I just hopeful or is she trying to get to known me in a more intimate way? I don't know what to do anymore and I need help. Is there any advice you can give me?
Cuntfused

Dipstick: Yes, we have advice. Your friend likes you, but most likely is as confused as you. She is probably dealing with coming out, which is a process that takes time. She has a boyfriend, yet she has strong feelings for you. This is very common with people who are trying to figure it out. Your best bet is to try and be as open and honest with her as you can. But don't make out with her. She has a boyfriend and that's cheating. We don't think cheating is ever a good idea. Why don't you open up to her and ask her if she's ever questioned her sexuality. See where this conversation goes. But don't be surprised if she doesn't want to talk about it. Remember, coming out involves a lot of internal processing before being able to talk about it. Just let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk about these kinds of things. Someday you may want to tell her of your feelings for her, but right now is not the best time. Give her some time to figure out her feelings first.

Lipstick Katherine, is that you? You could be my very first girlfriend writing in, it’s so CAH-RAZY. Cuntfused, you wrote to the right person, for I’ve been in your little high school shoes, except, lucky for you, I was your “straight” friend. The one giving mixed signals.

What she’s going through is a major internal freak out. She has intense feelings for you which confuse her, but she can’t help herself when you’re around—hence you get to sleep in her bed and fall asleep in her arms. She’s either bisexual or gay. But here’s the tricky part—and the reason you must solder a cage around your heart—she might never figure that out. Odds are, however, that she will since she’s already exploring that part of herself (kissing girls and feeling closer to you than anyone else in the world) and especially at such a young age. But there’s a chance, and we have seen it time and again, that she’ll slide into a place of denial, shame will cloud her goggles and she’ll just stay on the straight path because it’s safe.

Like the Dip said, be patient and be there for her, but don’t smooch until she’s single. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the cuddling. There is nothing like the exhilaration of spooning with someone with whom you’re smitten. It gives me butterflies just thinking about it. Save the kissing for after she works through her shit and breaks up with her BF, which, I’d hope and expect, to be imminent.

QUESTION :: Scared & Sane

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I just recently left an emotionally abusive woman who destroyed my personal and professional life. We worked together and she used her influence to keep me from promoting within the company. The situation got so bad, I finally asked for a transfer. Despite moving across the country, she continued to call and come to town whenever possible. When I recently refused to see her, she and her friends started a rumor about me in the community. I thought I was safe when she married her girlfriend on my b-day (not a coincidence) and left the country, but she continued to call. I lied and told her I was dating someone else, someone she knew and was afraid of. So far this has to worked, as I haven’t heard from her in almost a year. Here’s the real dilemma. Next week, I have to go back to my old office for an important meeting and I’m terrified she’s going to find out and harass me once again. I just got my sanity back. Do you have any suggestions for dialing down the drama, keeping me safe, and interacting with my freaky ex? Scared & Sane

Lipstick: I have two words for you: restraining order. Is it too late to apply for one? This crackpot is a piece of work! First and foremost, do not, under any circumstance, find yourself alone with this woman. How could she unload her toxic bullshit with another co-worker in the room? If you’re standing near the boss, she’ll back her dump truck out of the area and save it for another day, a day when you’re a thousand miles away. Also, before you travel, talk to the HR manager and give them a heads up. If they know Lulu and have half a clue, they won’t be surprised that she’s trying to destroy you. Most lunatics are transparent psychopaths in other areas of life, too. Beyond being a safe haven for you, your company is under legal obligation to protect you when the schizoid comes unhinged again. If they don’t help out, I’ve got two more words for you: fat lawsuit. Which lead me to two more: retire early.

Dipstick: Lipstick, if only… The truth is most batterers are NOT psycho to the rest of the world. They are conniving and manipulative and show their best face to the world. That’s how they charm the pants off unsuspecting victims like S&S. Here’s what you need to do sister: You’ve got to go double-crazy on her. Hopefully stalker gal won’t be there when you head back to the office, but if she is, be prepared! Sign up for the women’s self defense class at your local community center. Rent some Bruce Lee DVDs and watch them on the plane trip back. Practice in the airplane aisle if you need to. Once you explain yourself to the stewardess, she’ll understand. Walk tall into the building and don’t let her intimidate you. Carry some mace in your purse for extra confidence. If Looney looks your way, let out a long, hideous laugh. Roll your eyes around like you’re the crazy one. Chances are she won’t come near you. But if she does, jump into a kung fu stance and warn her if she comes near you you’ll rip her neck open. Go ballistic—it works every time.

QUESTION :: Been There, Done That

This question landed in my inbox today:


Dear Lipstick:

I saw you on Secret Lives of Women on WE TV, the lipstick lesbian show. I just wanted to comment that I was a lipstick lesbian for many years and am ashamed to say home many women I went through to find the right one. Well, I never found one that did not play games and cheat on me.

I have nothing but bad feelings towards the gay thing and will never go back to it. I just think that it's fake to put on a show that being gay is great when I lived these games for over 20 years. I am glad to say I am living a normal life now without all those ridiculous games and cheating. I don't mean to put you down in anyway, but I think it's wrong to advertise to the public that being homosexual is a commitment--this lifestyle will never support commitment.

Sorry speaking from cold hard facts that I can speak to because I lived it for too many years and feel it was a waste of my young years.

Been There, Done That


Dear Been There, Done That:

Thanks for dropping us a note. This email made me sad for you--it must be hard to be harboring all that negativity. There is no show here; my experience as a gay woman is a far-cry from the 20 years you spent "being a lipstick lesbian", which may have been a show for you. (Were you really able to just turn your homosexuality off? If so, that's a first.)

My identity as a lipstick lesbian is very organic, in the same way being a woman is. I've been happily married for many years and while the road is not always easy (we are human after all), we are firmly committed to one another and our relationship. The word "commitment" is very real in our life together.

I've had lesbian drama in past relationships, sure, but it was nothing different than the juvenile drama my high school boyfriend and I stirred up way back when, nor any different than fraternity guys cheating on me in college.

And I know hundreds of other happily partnered lesbians who have beautiful, loving relationships, too.

Perhaps the issue for you back then wasn't so much about the lesbian community, but the lesbians you surrounded yourself with and the women you dated. Quality people are quality people. Integrity is integrity, even if it's wrapped in rainbow flag.

We wish you peace,
Lipstick & Dipstick