Our Latest Column in Curve :: How to Rekindle the Spark

Where Do Lesbians Find Undercover Lovers?

Dip and I are working on our next column for Curve Magazine and we need your help!

Please take chime in (poll on the left sidebar) about where lesbians most often cheat.

We want to know what you think!

Is it...

- At the Office?

- On the Road?

- On the Internet?

- At School?

- At the Bar?

- In the World of Past Lovers?

Results will be published in Curve this spring...

Curve Magazine - November Column

Sex Wars :: Is Porn All Bad?

Recently, a letter was sent to the editor at Curve complaining about some advice we gave Miserable in Maple Grove [Vol. 19 #4]. It set off a small debate Curvites are now calling "Sex Wars Circa 2009." While only the letter of complaint and our retorts (we've never done this in column form before) can be found in the current issue of Curve, you get the whole enchilada here.

ORIGINAL COLUMN

Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I feel lonely in my relationship. I’m 22-year-old femme with a 26-year-old butch partner. We got married in California in July. We’re fighting a lot lately and not having sex. She’s says she’s just not up for it. I don't know if we aren't having sex because we’re fighting or if we’re fighting because we aren't having sex. In the beginning, we had sex and it was Earth shattering. Recently, I’ve started looking at lesbian porn. I usually hate porn. My ex used to look at it and it hurt me deeply. I’d be really upset if I found out my current girlfriend was looking at porn, too. After viewing this I feel guilty and more lonely and depressed than before. Please help!—Miserable in Maple Grove

Lipstick: I wonder if this is No Muffs girlfriend?

Dipstick: Maybe so, but what I want to know is what gives with the guilt about looking at naked women? There’s nothing wrong with porn, for you, for your lover, for your mother or anyone else. As long as it doesn’t become addictive, watching porn, reading erotica, viewing x-rated movies is all good and can be part of a healthy sex life. Too often we depend on our partners to be our best friend, our confidant, a sexy lover, personal chef and co-parent to our children. No one person can meet all your needs all the time. When your lover isn’t up for cooking, you order out. When she’s not up for sex, watch porn and masturbate. Hell, watch with your partner too! And when you’re through, tie her hands with a silk scarf to the bedpost, sit on her knees and talk until she hears your concerns.

Lipstick: Did you ever see that fight scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when Brangalina are trying to kill each other and suddenly sex breaks out? Sounds like you guys need to trash the house just like they did. One question: Why won’t she have sex with you? You didn’t say. Maybe she’s being lazy or letting work get in the way? Or perhaps it’s something more serious like dealing with a broken-down vagina or sexual abuse issues. Find yourself a good therapist and dig into what’s keeping you at each other’s necks (you should be there with your tongue, not a razor blade). While you’re at it, see the counselor on your own to get over your issues around porn, as they’re playing into your sexual prowess, too. Shame is an awful aphrodisiac.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Shocked Over Porn Approval

“Miserable in Maple Grove” [Lipstick and Dipstick, Vol. 19 #5] began by saying she and her partner were not having sex and were fighting a lot, and that when she, Maple, had started looking at porn it made her feel “guilty and more lonely and depressed than ever.” Dipstick told her that if her partner didn’t feel like having sex, she should look at porn and masturbate and that “there is nothing wrong with porn.” Lipstick told her to get over her “issues” around porn in counseling because of her “shame.” I am astonished that L and D could turn relationship trouble into an advertisement for porn and practically say that lesbians should like porn and if they don’t they are crazy!

I have had the great good fortune to never be in a relationship where my partner has said, “Oh honey, you have the flu and don’t feel like having sex? No problem, I’ll just look at some pictures of girls who are way hotter than you and jack off. Aren’t you glad we are so sexually healthy?” Geez, even my ex-husband was sensitive enough to understand that many women are a tad threatened by pornography. Maybe it is a femme thing, but I have to walk this earth everyday being compared to an idealized and impossible to attain version of feminine beauty, a version that is often portrayed in porn. And porn doesn’t turn me on, it usually makes me feel bad. Even though L and D would disagree, I don’t think I’m crazy, I think a lot of women are glad their partners don’t flaunt pornography in their faces and tell them they need counseling if they don’t like it.

Miserable didn’t say she felt shame, she said she felt worse than ever after looking at porn in the absence of sex with her partner. This is not unlike when a person feels worse after they do something that they think might make them feel better, like having a fling or drinking to excess or buying things they don’t need, and then afterward they feel worse than ever because their actions were so far afield of addressing the real relationship problem at hand. The poor woman feels bad enough, and now according to Land D, she is supposed to feel guilty that she feels guilty. Not helpful advice.

When men pressure women to watch porn with them, and then call the woman a prude for not wanting to, everyone gets up in arms. What’s up with women telling other women the same thing?

And Dipstick, is there really nothing wrong with porn? Nothing at all? Even the fact that most women who are posing for your pleasure were sexually abused as children? That right there is a big turn-off for many women. As a social worker, I work with teen girls who were abused as youngsters who become society’s prostitutes and strippers and porn “stars.” It’s not pretty what it takes to get them into those jobs, believe me. And sometimes this causes conflict for women who may be aroused by but also uneasy about porn. Let’s take care of one another, not impose our sexual likes on others as the only game in town. And when people write in about being “lonely in their relationship” I hope that L and D will focus on how that could be made better. It’s unlikely pornography will do much to enrich their relationship.—Sunshine in California

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

LIPSTICK & DIPSTICK RESPONSE

Lipstick: Sunshine in California, thank you for writing in. You made some really good points. Beyond touching on porn, I did address her relationship problems. I told Miserable to get her butt into therapy because there is a reason they’ve stopped having sex, a reason her partner’s shut down. Encouraging her to also discuss her guilt around looking at pornography (at her own volition, I might add, not because some guy shoved it down her throat or Lipstick & Dipstick told her to do so) is also a real issue here. She went to those sites and then felt shame around it. That shame, and wherever it stems from, is also playing into her relationship. As advice columnists, we hear from A LOT of women and so many of them feel way too much guilt around sexuality—in the world, the bedroom and in their minds. I believe women, unless they’re doing/supporting something illegal or that will hurt someone, need to lighten up about sex and all the colorful flags that hang from it. Finally, it was Lipstick & Dipstick Miserable wrote into, not Dr. Laura. And it is Lipstick & Dipstick readers are reading, not a column by Dr. Phil. They walk into the L & D fire knowing we have strong opinions, we often make light of things, dig our teeth into specific issues and spank bottoms. (Just to clarify that last statement, Sunny, I wasn’t encouraging women to practice S & M. Or wait, maybe I was.)

Dipstick: Sunshine touched on this age-old debate, didn’t she? Is pornography just another way to oppress women or is it freeing, sexually liberating? Will lesbians and feminists ever agree on this? Probably not, because like most things, it’s not black and white, good or evil, right or wrong. Just because some rock songs are misogynist and homophobic, doesn’t mean that all music is.

As for the sexual abuse issue, I won’t argue that most women involved in the sex industry were abused as children, that’s because so many women were sexually abused—

period. In fact the CDC, in a conservative estimate, no doubt, says that 1 in 4 women are sexually abused before they turn 18. We all have reasons to feel bad about our sexuality, whether it be homophobia, poor body image or religious indoctrination. Lipstick & Dipstick are advocating women take control of their sexuality and feel good about it. There’s no need to feel guilt or shame about masturbation when your partner is not available. If porn turns you on, go for it. If it doesn’t that’s okay, too. What we want is for every woman to be empowered about her satisfaction. Maybe one day we’ll get there and we’ll all walk naked in the sunshine with you California.

Our Latest Column in Curve

Our most recent column hit newstands this week. You can

click on the pictures below if you'd like a sneak peek.

Lipstick & Dipstick Show :: Pining in Portland

Check out our latest webisode on www.curvemag.com or watch it here. Pass it along to your friends!

L & D Show :: Pining in Portland
Uploaded by LipstickDipstickShow. - Explore lifestyle, fashion, and DIY videos.

Our Latest Column

In case you don't subscribe to Curve (you should, shame on you), here is our latest column in the August Issue.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Gooooood Monday Morning To Ya!

Are you in a long distance relationship right now? If so, L & D have some advice for you. Here is our latest installment of the L & D Show. Dip and I aren't in the same city, so we did this show just like we do our monthly column: by lobbing back and forth our responses.

Beyond here, it's also live on Curvemag.com:

Long Distance Longing
Uploaded by LipstickDipstickShow. - Have a look at more lifestyle videos.

Our Most Recent Column

Here is our latest column in Curve. If you don't subscribe, check it out.

Did you all know you can be green and and subscrribe to the digital edition? Check it out.

Happy Pride

In case you're in need of advice for this Pride season, Lipstick & Dipstick have compiled some tips to help you navigate the rainbow waters.

You can watch it at www.curvemag.com or get a looksy loo here. That reminds me, I never posted Part Two of Carla's Hunt for a Girlfriend. It's below, too.

Lipstick & Dipstick Show :: Pride Advice
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Carla's Hunt for a Girlfriend - Part One

Our latest webisode is on Curve Magazine's website. Be sure to check it out. Dipstick and I helped Carla, a single gal looking for love. Part Two will be posted next week, so stay tuned.

What Do You Think?

For our next column in Curve, we'd like to include the best answer from you guys, too, along with our typical sass and fodder. What advice would you give Throwing in the Towel?

Post it here or drop us an email at ask@lipstickdipstick.com. Do right away! Time is of the essence and we want your opinion!


Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: I recently started emailing a 38-year-old woman with two young sons on a dating site. We met and somehow ended up in bed the first date. The sex was wonderful, but I had reservations about someone who just seemed to want to have a sexual relationship and not spend anytime getting to really know me. Within a couple weeks she was already talking about moving in together and being a family. I've been in several long term relationships (10 years and 12 years) in the past and maybe I'm just old fashioned. Is this the "norm" in the lesbian community these days? Is this what they mean by "renting the U-Haul on the third date?" When I told her that things were moving too fast for me, she said she felt rejected and didn't understand. I cancelled my membership to the on-line dating service and I'm wondering if I'm too old (46) for this dating game anymore?—Throwing In the Towel

Webisode :: Messy in the Mountains

The next installment of our webisode is going live in Curve's website today--www.curvemag.com.
Be sure to check it out on their site and make a comment about how you like it.

If you saw the first couple webisodes, you'll notice that this one is quite an improvement. We're learning as we go along.

Enjoy!

Our Latest Column in Curve

Here is a sneak peek of what is to come next month in Curve! (Click on page to enlarge)

Bun in the Oven

Hot off the press, here is a sneak peek at our most recent column in Curve Magazine. Click on the pages to enlarge.

*photography by Maggie Parker

Looking for Someone to Kiss This New Year's Eve?

If you're trolling the internet for a little angel to kiss this New Year's Eve, consider this a late Christmas present. I recently posted this blog on Curve's website: Lip's Tips: Curve Personals Advice. If you're new (or even old) to the online dating scene, you must heed this advice.

CURVE Personals Advice

So, my good friend and I were trolling the CURVE Personals the other night looking to find her a date and I was amazed. You see, it's the first time I'd ever been on the CURVE Personals and had no idea that so many women were so clueless about how to best represent themselves. If you haven't been to CURVE's new website, you should check it out. If you haven't been to CURVE Personals and you're single, check that out, too. The word on the street with single girls is that CURVE's the best roundup of women on the Internet.

In light of this revelation (lesbians don't know how to properly put themselves out there), I decided to jot down some tips for those of you who are out there or thinking about joining. Here goes:

++ In the photos section of your page, don't only put pictures of your dog. People want to see YOU.

++ In the same vein, don't just put one picture--the best one ever taken of you nine years ago in a group at the perfect angle. Give people at least four to see and represent yourself accurately.

++ Don't have the photos of you be taken from across the street or with any sort of crazy Photoshop filter. Again, let women see YOU for who you really are.

++ Be truthful about your stats. I saw women who said they had an athletic body, who clearly didn't. Maybe they like sports, and maybe back in the day they had an athletic build, but not so much anymore. What people want to know is what's going on NOW.

++ I also think CURVE should add a "Fuck Off" or "Scram" button to the application next to the "Smile" button. That way, when interested people contact you even though they're NOTHING like what you said you're looking for in your profile, you can get rid of them. The explicative button would be for those clingy lezzies who just don't take a hint. My friend tells me there are plenty of them.

++ Also in the same vein, read what each woman is looking for (physically and romantically) before you write her. Don't waste anyone's time, including yours.

++ Choose your photos carefully. Not only is it important to pick ones that accurately represent you, but don't put "come and fuck me" pics of you half naked. Save this behavior for our gay brothers.

++ When you "smile" at too many people or to the same women too many times, there should be an error button that pops up and say, "Calm Down" or "Cool it." Use that smile button with some discretion. When you smile, mean it.

Question :: Bewitched, Bewildered & Bi

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

I’ve recently realized that I’m bisexual, but I'm not sure how to make my first move on Liza, a woman I have a crush on. Most people in my life think I’m straight because I’ve always dated guys. I don't want to make a big deal, I just want to start dating a woman and people will get the picture. So, how do I suavely let this woman know I’m bisexual? How do I let her know I’m genuinely interested? I try to flirt, but I'm not sure it’s clear because we’re friends and I’m flirtatious with everyone. Should I make the move? I'm confused. We get along really well and I respect her, plus I am extremely sexually attracted to her. Help! Bewitched, Bewildered & Bi

Dipstick: How to pick up women 101. Start small. Tell her you’ve been thinking about her, you saw something she’d look sexy in (or out of). Bring her little gifts like a muffin from her favorite bakery. No flowers or candy yet. Compliment her outfit or hair. Every gal loves to hear she looks good! Touch her when you’re talking. Gently put your hand on her shoulder or if you’re bold, her thigh. See how she reacts. Does she pull away or get closer? Send her an email saying how much you enjoyed your time together and ask her if she wants to do it again. When she says yes, get her nice and drunk and take advantage of her.

Lipstick: Forget starting with subtleties and move in right away! Liza wants you to want her, B³. If you’re feeling any love at all from this woman, then odds are she’s interested, but hasn’t considered making a pass because, BINGO, she thinks you’re straight! If Liza’s read any of our past columns, she knows better than to go for the hetero—that’s a homo-no-no. By you coming on to Liza, a woman that’s a branded scissor kisser, you have far less to lose than her brazenly hitting on you. Think about it. All you have to face is mild rejection. What she’s facing is a catastrophic dating-faux pas. Ask her out, Newbie, and then there’ll be no more confusion!

Letter from a Military Woman

Dipstick is in trouble with the military gals again. Read on:

To Lipstick and Dipstick:

I would like to ask you both if you have any idea what it is like to
go to Iraq, leave your family and your life and hope and have faith
that you come home alive? It really disappointed me how you can give
out advice so off-the-cuff without any consideration of what it is
like. I happen to be in the military and am leaving for Iraq next
month. I will be gone for 15 months or until they see fit to let us
come home. It is a very serious issue when you have a partner and
for us, we love one another and will have been committed a whole
year the first week of next month (together for 3). I won't even be
able to celebrate it with her. When I read your response like " Oh
well if you end up in the hot tub with someone else..." or defending
the oil" How do you know what we do over there? By the news? If it
is your own opinion state it! That is bullshit! If you know how it
feels fine, but don't crack jokes or write to people giving them
advice if you have no idea or can stop one minute to empathize with
what emotions they are going through. I am a professional and have
large amounts of responsibility as so does she. We are not about to
go out and start whoring around simply because I have decided to
support my soldiers and sacrifice for my country.

I would give you both some advice, it is not personal, but please
consider the consequences of what you put in this magazine. There
are some that probably read this and take it and run with your
advice, me on the other-hand, I am older, more mature and absolutely hate drama and 99% of the time laugh at what you write.

I hope you both can understand what I am getting at.

-Military Woman

This refers to Volume 17 Number 8 page 26 under Advice from Lipstick and Dipstick letter from cheating chicks and the response they had.

Dear Military Woman:
First of all, let me be the first to say that we do not take your service to our country lightly. You’re right, we have no experience with war and can’t imagine what is must be like for you. Not only to put yourself and your life at risk, but to have to do so in the closet in order to be there. Plus being away from your true love for that long and not being able to be open about that. We appreciate and respect what you do.

Second, the line about oil, that was not how I wrote the line. Our editor changed it.

But most importantly, the advice we gave was not to you and your partner, but to two women who have a history of cheating. I stand by my advice to have a serious discussion about putting the relationship on hold until she returns from service. I think it is good and sound advice in this situation. Obviously she was having doubts about being faithful, or she wouldn’t have written to us.

Now, as you know, Lipstick & Dipstick are not Dear Abby. We like to be racy and have fun. Lipstick’s comments about the hot tub were not meant to be taken literally. Surely, even the most naïve Curve reader will recognize that. We were having fun and trying to entertain.

But obviously we hit a sore spot with you. Sometimes humor does that.

Just so you know, no disrespect was intended to you or to any of our service members.
In Peace,
Dipstick

Dipstick,

I read your column to my partner, as not only do I have to go to Iraq for as long as the Army determines, we have to live in different states. This is hard enough and the column did set me off. She agreed with my comments. I am not by any means naive about anything, I just take the military serious and don't want some of the readers to think that it is a bunch of laughs.

I happen to be a licensed clinical social worker and I know exactly what you and your counterpart were attempting to do. But you could have written it differently. I knew it was about cheating.

Like I said, I did not mean it to be personal, just be careful. Your column happens to be one of my favorite parts of the magazine. But, I wrote Flo and told her to send it to my partner as I should not get it in Iraq. I will pick it back up when I come home.

Thank you for writing back. When I get to retire and put the uniform down knowing I don't have to be put out due to the don't ask don't tell you will probably see me out there taking up the "family" causes. Just remember us over there each doing our job so we can have magazines like this and to be able to have the freedoms we do.

Thanks for returning my email.

Army Woman

QUESTION :: Depressed Dyke

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been hanging around this girl Sloan for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten really close. She’d never been with a woman before so I was afraid as I fell for her, but our attraction was so strong. We got "together" one time and it seemed to go ok...no complaints. However, about two weeks ago, she said we should split up because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said she isn’t sure if she wants to date women. My friends all agree that Sloan’s too butch to be straight, not to mention, she only hangs out with women. Now, I’m not sure who’s confused—me or her. Should I walk away? Depressed Dyke

Lipstick: Yes, but you’d be lucky to get out alive at this point, Double D, so I’m coming at you in my air tight damage control suit. It’s not what you want to hear, but you need to get the F out of dodge. Sloan says she doesn’t want to break your heart and I’m sure she means it…but she’s getting ready to anyway. If you don’t rip off the Duct tape she’s wrapped around your heart, it’s really gonna hurt when she slooowly peels it off. Even if you and your cronies think that Sloan’s a lesbo, the important thing is that she does, too. Coming to terms with one’s sexuality—no matter how dykey she looks or who she hangs with—is its own process, one that cannot be coerced by a pack of prophesying dipsticks. Next time you feel yourself skidding down the slippery slope with a straight girl, write to us before you sleep with her!

Dipstick: DD, as much as we like to believe all butches worship the lavender labia, it just isn’t so. Take my neighbor Max, she drives a truck, owns a construction business and keeps her hair short and nails trimmed. She even has a lesbian name, for Christ’s sake! As much as my dykely friends try to convince her she’s a homo, truth is, it’s only big butch men that rattle her toolbox. As for your friends, it can be quite disconcerting when gaydar is off, but like the radar detector in my 87 Trans-Am, which sometimes goes off from a garage door opener or security system, it’s not foolproof. Lipstick is right, walk away now. If she has a change of heart, she knows how to find you.

PS: And by the way DD, I’m sure you can do better than “Okay, no complaints!” Don’t give us dykes a bad name when sexing the straight girls.