Speaking of Ass Outs

The poor teen Miss Carolina (see previous post), who made such a fool of herself on national tv, is not alone. Our president, in fact, makes a habit of assing out everyday. This clip, though a few years old, is the best I've seen. It really captures the true essence of Bush, who typically has no idea what he's talking about.

The Power of Pressure

So, I'm sure many of you have seen this video, but it's so classic, I had to post it here. Just in case you missed it: It's of Miss Carolina trying her best to answer a simple question about how people in the US can't find our country on a world map.

In her defense, have you ever been in a high-pressure situation--giving a speech or at a job interview--and completely blanked out? I have (fortunately not in a long time) and it's the most terrifying feeling. You almost pass out and feel like the biggest asshole.

Miss Carolina's response is one of the biggest ass outs I've ever seen.

Check it out.

Sara & Sara

Have you ever dated someone with the same name as you? I suppose it can happen with straight people: Chris & Chris, Aaron & Erin, Joe & Jo, but it seems more likely with gays and lesbians.

My good friend Sara just married her girlfriend Sara. I’ve been friends with Sara for many years. I’ve seen her through a few girlfriends. I remember when she dated someone with the same name as her mother. “This will never work,” I thought. And I was right. The name probably had nothing to do with it.

But now Sara is married to another Sara. Sara is lovely. Sara’s best match yet. The problem is how do we refer to each of them? We’ve taken to calling the one who was our friend first “our Sara.” And her partner, “the other Sara.” But that just doesn’t seem nice. Aren’t they both “our Saras” now?

We can’t say “tall Sara” or “dark haired Sara.” That makes it seem like one is short, or the other blonde. For a while one was “Horse Sara,” but now they’re both horse people. Some people suggested Sara K. and Sara W. I suppose that works.

One thing is for sure, they certainly can’t hyphenate or change their last names. That would be a nightmare to all of us.

But Sara says, “We don’t have any problem knowing who we’re referring to.” Which I guess is the most important.

Our Two Queercents

Ever heard of Queercents?

Queercents, founded by Nina Smith, originated the concept of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender personal finance blog. Financial tips and insights are aggregated daily from the distinct writings of several money bloggers.

Queercents is a personal finance blog which means they like to talk about money… to be more precise, they serve up daily tips and anecdotes about spending, saving, earning, investing and all things financial.

Check out the interview Lip and I recenlty did.

Pussy Do's

How many people out there groom? Dipstick and I stand in two very different, bushy corners on this issue. Well, one corner is bushy, the other... well, it isn't so bushy.

For those of you who trim, or shave or wax, are you tired of your typical "do". If so, these new styles might help. What's your favorite? And has anyone actually seen the Vaginalina?


V Formation
Some say it stands for Victory, that if you’ve gotten so far to see the “V” shaved onto your lover’s soft upper pussy (SUP), it’s just that—a victory. You’ve won. But many know the V on their lover as the V Formation, a nod to the many, many birds that migrate each year—you guessed it—south.

Mrs. Bigglesworth
Remember the hairless kitty in Austin Powers? Need I say more?

Cunnilingo Incognito
This girl looks like she’s au naturel, but then springs one on you when you get down there. It’s like a bad hairdo, a misguided pompadour—super high on the top and not much on the bottom. In some circles this is also known as “The Berm.” See photo.

Soul Patch
This little swatch of fur is either in a square or a rectangle of any size right smack dab in the middle of your SUP. Not to be confused with the Stripper Stripe.

Stripper Stripe
Made famous in strip clubs nationwide, there is enough hair to remind you that she can legally shake her booty in you face, but not enough to eclipse the sun.

Vaginalina
I’ve only heard of this one, never actually seen one in person. It involves barrettes. You might want Google it.

The Landing Strip
This is good for budding lesbians and those that are just beginning to explore another women’s body. It practically comes with instructions and, certainly, a directional that says, “Right here, baby.” Orange traffic controller flashlights optional.

Butch Love from Team Gina

Team Gina, if you're out there, Dipstick wants you to know the love is mutual.

Question:: Miserable Mona

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been with my girlfriend, Janelle, for five years and, to be honest, it’s been a downhill ride. We are constantly arguing and she is insanely jealous. You know the type, the kind that is a control freak and doesn’t like me to have friends. Because I’m so miserable, I’ve been secretly seeing someone for three months. What should I do?
Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Lipstick: In your honor, I’m listening to The Clash on my Ipod as I write, and, just for you, I pinned my jeans and feathered my hair in the coffee shop’s bathroom, so I’m good and ready to dispense advice. Now, 80’s Dyke, you need to get a razor blade and cut the umbilical chord. Why are you suckling Mama when there is nothing but poison coming from her nipples? To make things worse, she’s not the only one who’s discharging toxins—you are, too, by cheating on her! I know it’s tough to see much else when you’re going down on a beautiful woman, but trust me when I say that you’re compromising your integrity by staying with Janelle and having sex with No Name in the shadows. And for what? You’re miserable. Even though five years is a respectable commitment, you should—as my Grandma used to say when I was potty training—either shit or get off the pot.

Dipstick: No, Clash Fan, don’t walk, stay. Dipstick loves it when dyke drama escalates and I can’t wait until Jealous Janelle finds out you’re having an affair! Obviously, you two like playing with fire—why else would you have stayed with someone who stalks your every move and cuts you off from your friends? The thing that’s so addictive about abusive relationships is how alive the drama makes you feel and how seductive make-up sex can be. Can your new affair match the post-spat passion between you and your possessive partner? Leslie Lange has outlined your predictable scenario in her book Dyke Drama: Your Guide to Getting Out Alive. If you leave Janelle now, without changing the things about yourself that kept you with her for five years, I predict one of three things: A) you and your new love will cement your pattern of jealousy and distrust; B) you’ll go running back to Janelle once the boredom of a normal relationship sets in; C) all three of you will end up on Jerry Springer. If it’s C, be sure to drop me an email so I can Tivo it.

Nip Tuck Girl-on-Girl

Ooooooh boy. This just in: Portia De Rossi to have a lesbian love affair with Joely Richardson's character, Julia, on this season's Nip Tuck.

An anonymous source on the set said of the story line: “Portia’s character is going to be involved in a torrid relationship with Joely’s character over about 10 episodes. It’s going to be shocking stuff. So far, the pair’s sex scenes have been wild. Even the crew have been shocked by what they have seen.”

Yahooooo!

If you don't watch Nip Tuck, you're really missing out. Put it in your Netflix cue stat or go to the video store and start at season one. You will not be disappointed. I promise.

Where Lipstick Gets Her Chops

Nana and Mom were in town last week and we did an infamous photo shoot with our star photographer, Maggie Parker, who shoots all of our photos for Curve. Now do you see where Lipstick gets it?

QUESTION :: Depressed Dyke

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:
I have been hanging around this girl Sloan for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten really close. She’d never been with a woman before so I was afraid as I fell for her, but our attraction was so strong. We got "together" one time and it seemed to go ok...no complaints. However, about two weeks ago, she said we should split up because she didn’t want to break my heart. She said she isn’t sure if she wants to date women. My friends all agree that Sloan’s too butch to be straight, not to mention, she only hangs out with women. Now, I’m not sure who’s confused—me or her. Should I walk away? Depressed Dyke

Lipstick: Yes, but you’d be lucky to get out alive at this point, Double D, so I’m coming at you in my air tight damage control suit. It’s not what you want to hear, but you need to get the F out of dodge. Sloan says she doesn’t want to break your heart and I’m sure she means it…but she’s getting ready to anyway. If you don’t rip off the Duct tape she’s wrapped around your heart, it’s really gonna hurt when she slooowly peels it off. Even if you and your cronies think that Sloan’s a lesbo, the important thing is that she does, too. Coming to terms with one’s sexuality—no matter how dykey she looks or who she hangs with—is its own process, one that cannot be coerced by a pack of prophesying dipsticks. Next time you feel yourself skidding down the slippery slope with a straight girl, write to us before you sleep with her!

Dipstick: DD, as much as we like to believe all butches worship the lavender labia, it just isn’t so. Take my neighbor Max, she drives a truck, owns a construction business and keeps her hair short and nails trimmed. She even has a lesbian name, for Christ’s sake! As much as my dykely friends try to convince her she’s a homo, truth is, it’s only big butch men that rattle her toolbox. As for your friends, it can be quite disconcerting when gaydar is off, but like the radar detector in my 87 Trans-Am, which sometimes goes off from a garage door opener or security system, it’s not foolproof. Lipstick is right, walk away now. If she has a change of heart, she knows how to find you.

PS: And by the way DD, I’m sure you can do better than “Okay, no complaints!” Don’t give us dykes a bad name when sexing the straight girls.

Double Dipstick = Double the Trouble

Well, it's been a day I've waited for...this morning, I finally met Dipstick's identical twin. Did you guys know there was another Dipstick out there? Mary, who is also a dyke (we MUST be born gay), was in town with her girl Meg and the other sister Laura. Mary kicked ass and reminded me so much of Dip. They look a lot alike, yes, but it's what under the skin--their mannerisms, they way they say things, even the way they hold their head--that really psyched me out. I only got to have breakfast with these two, peach cobbler (thanks Meg), but I can only imagine that they're quite the crazy pair when they really get going. Twins are so crazy. I wish I had a twin.

Which reminds me, have you ever been seen someone who looks just like you? It's a trip. I was in California eating lunch at an In & Out Burger about ten years ago when my twin sat down a few tables away. We were like ten feet apart and I couldn't stop staring. I don't think I ate another bite either. She didn't notice me, but it was crazy and it totally tripped me out. I wish I'd snapped a picture.

I'm a Butt Watcher

Do you remember that ad campaign for Wheel of Fortune many years ago that said, "I'm a Wheel Watcher"? Well, I'm not a wheel watcher--although I don't mind watching Vanna White--but I am a professional butt watcher. I don't know what it is, but I constantly stare at people's butts. They don't have to be hot women either; it can be some dude in front of me on the train or a [gasp] a coworker. Some butts I watch longer than others. You know, like I usually check out the MILFs a little longer than I check out the Rastafarian guy in the produce section, but still, my eyes are always drawn to the drawers, no matter who it is. What's that about? I'm tempted to say I have a butt fetish. It must have something to do, in some primal way, with the way dogs sniff each other's butts. Thank GOD my fetish doesn't go quite that far. Am I alone here?

The picture was taken on a recent trip to the Vegas. These are my friend's butts, including my wife's (the cutest little bum) at the pool. I was in butt heaven...

Melisssa Etheridge for President

Did you watch the presidential forum on Logo the other night?

Barack Obama seemed ok with the gays. I’m impressed how he talks about our issues with all audiences, not just friendly ones. Yet, somehow he can’t get it through his head that civil unions and marriage are not equal and that by creating them, we create a second-class of citizens.

John Edwards is still against gay marriage, but he does support gay adoption and teaching kids about homosexuality in the schools. Lipstick and I saw his wife Elizabeth speak at the gay pride event in San Francisco. Frankly, I think she’d make a better candidate. And, she’s all for gay marriage.

Dennis Kucinich is so sweet. Don’t you just wish he could be president and wrap the whole world in a big hug? Why doesn’t our community support him more? He is right with us on all our issues, he wants to end the war and he even wants to legalize medical marijuana. The media is trying to characterize him as being too far left, but I think he said it best when he said he is in the center of America. Hell, he believes in everything me, my friends and family do. He's from Ohio for for Christsake's! You can't get more middle American than that.

It was my first time seeing Mike Gravel. He had to fight to even get on the platform. So I guess his message to us, applies to himself too: “No one is going to give you anything. You have to stand up for your rights.” But he did seem to be in la-la land when he stated that he thought if we put gay marriage up to a popular vote, it would pass. Umm, where was he during the 2004 elections?

Bill Richardson, of course was the story of the night. I loved how he kept telling us to “look at his record,” but then he admitted he voted for the Defense of Marriage Act. But his real blunder was when Melissa Etheridge asked him if he thought homosexuality was a choice and he said, “It’s a choice.” Yikes. There goes his support from the gay community.

Hillary Clinton sure impressed the gays. They were salivating over her in the post show commentary. But she didn’t win me over. Sure, she looked more presidential than the other candidates, but her assertion that we should let the states have jurisdiction over marriage. Come, on Hillary! When 45 states passed anti-gay marriage ballots in the past few years.

But there was one person who impressed me. Melissa Etheridge. She had great questions for the candidates. Well, except for that Bark Beetle comment to Bill Richardson. Perhaps she was trying to get him to stop putting his foot in his mouth. She was eloquent, political and wasn’t afraid to take Hillary Clinton to task. Check her out. Let’s start an internet petition. Melissa Etheridge 2008.

Nana Loves Logo

My hip grandmother recently discovered that she has Logo. She lives in Arizona and found it deep in her cable channels. Since then, I don't think she's watched much else--except maybe her soap operas and Murder She Wrote.

"I had no idea there were so many gay people," Nana said last week. "There are tons."

I've dwelled on this comment for days now. Before discovering that we had our own cable channel, did she only think there were a handful of us? The six or seven friends of mine she's met and my gay uncle Danny. Surely she knew there were at least fifty; after all, she does watch the L Word and cut a clipping in the paper and sent it to me when Rosie came out.

Since the discovery, she's seen the Round Trip Ticket show Dipstick and I were on last year that continues to run several times a month. In the Portland, Oregon show, I talk about grooming and whether or not two male tops can make it work. I also briefly fought with host Marc Savoia with, you guessed it, a rubber dildo. I bet Nana was proud.

Nike here we come!

Dipstick and I went to lunch last week at Nike (where, I should add, our server was drooling over Dipstick...classic!) with some folks who would like us to help them out for National Coming Out Day. They've asked us to host a playful talk show (Ellen-style) for their National Coming Out Day Celebration at Nike World Headquarters. It sounds like a hoot and Dipstick and I are already working on our 10-minute monologue, as well as things we can do with the guests throughout the show. Guests include Nike's CEO, other executives and a high profile athlete (TBA). This photo was snapped as they gave us the 10 cent tour of the Nike campus, which is UNBELIEVABLE! We're standing in front of a baseball player made out of random pieces of sporting equipment. They spared no expense when they built and designed that place. The 16 buildings (178 acres, including gyms, trails, tennis courts and fields) at world headquarters are a soft-spoken testimony to the beauty of sports. Each building is named after an athlete who is key to Nike's growth over the years.

Calvin Get's a Haircut

Our kick ass nephew got a hair cut last week. Check it out! It was his first haircut (save his bangs) since he was born. His parents, yuppy hippies (see Calvin the Clairvoyant blog) who live in Southern California, decided to go au naturel for the last couple years. While his long hair was stylish (just like his fathers), his short locks are adorable. I heart him.

An Officer and a Lady :: Letter to Dipstick

Dear Dipstick:

I've thought about your comment the you made to “Bummed in the Barracks.” I have always taken your comments with humor but I was taken back by your comment on why any honorable gay or lesbian would join the military and go fight for a country that denies them basic human rights. Some of us are not lucky enough to have been born in an area that allows us to be open to who we are. Essentially, we have lived in the closet our whole lives. The military is our only way out. They provide us food, clothing, a roof over our heads and an education. These are the examples of basic human rights that the military gives us. They took me in at 18. I had a high school education but I was in a dead end job in a small town in the middle of nowhere. They gave me a technical trade and provided money for me to go to college and earn a degree. Without the military, a significant amount of us would either be in an unwanted marriage (to conform to society) or dead. Of course this has come with the cost of staying in the closet but if I would have stayed at home, I would have to be in the closet. If I would have come out, at home, I am sure I would have come up missing or been the one everyone pointed at and made fun of.

I do have a question for you. On 9-11 did you worry about your safety, but were still able to go to sleep that night? Do you lay awake at night worrying about your safety? Do you enjoy your freedom to write your advice column? Do you enjoy your freedom of being gay when in some countries you would have been hung? Do you know that the military is on guard (all over the world and in the US) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to protect the things that we Americans hold dear? I know this because I would give my life to protect the freedom and liberties that are taken for granted. I will continue to read Curve but I think you owe us an apology.

Signed,
An officer and a lady

Dear Officer

Thanks for taking the time to write. I sincerely did not mean to hurt any one's feelings by my comment. Thank you for explaining your position.

I understand the freedoms that I enjoy as an American citizen and I do know that many of them are in part due to the U.S. Military. I thank you for your service.

Still, I do hold firm in my belief that gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly and freely in the military and that gays and lesbians should be afforded ALL the same rights as other Americans stateside.

I did not mean to put you down, or those who served in the military. I respect you immensely for what you have done. My issue is not with you, but with the system that is so homophobic.

I wish, and maybe you do too, that there was another option for you to escape your small town. I also wish there were another way to bring peace and justice into the world without fighting wars. Call me an idealist, but I do not believe in war as a way to peace. I think if we put as much money and resources into solving international problems in a nonviolent way, we would find a solution that doesn't involve a system that kills innocent people, maims brave soldiers and destroys economies.

I hear what you have to say. That the military probably saved your life. But you can't blame me for wanting more. More for you. More for those soldiers who are fighting an unknown enemy. More for me and my partner who want marriage equality.

Even though I said I don't understand why someone would join the military, really I do. Because sadly, for people like you, that was the only option out. But I also believe that had there been a few more options some of you would have chosen another path.

That's how I feel. I welcome comments from anyone on this topic. Post them below.
Dipstick

Will you find your match?

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Goodbye to Tennessee

Her name is Lee, but I call her Tennessee, after her birthplace. She’s a tattooed soft butch with dyed black hair with just enough grease for a little poof to stand up in the front. Her voice has just a touch a soft Southern twang.

She’s my hairdresser and I’m still not over the fact that she’s leaving me. I remember the day that I met her. I brought my nephew into her shop for a cut. As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one for me. I sat my nephew with the cute straight girl and landed right in Lee’s chair.

She was nothing like the last phoofy dyke who cut my hair. No hair washing. No hand massage. Just a towel around my neck, a bib and a sweet southern smile. She worked at a barbershop, but unlike some, she didn’t just pull out the clippers and ask, “Two or four?” No, Lee’s an artist. She snips and shapes by hand, suggesting and stopping every so often to admire her work.

“I want to look like a dyke,” I said, “But not be called sir.” She laughed, but she knew exactly what I meant. And she gave it to me. Every month for a year. Whenever I would show up at her place, there’d be a line. While the other chairs sat empty, stylists manicuring their own hands, people lined up for Lee’s special touch. I made it a point to always bring something to keep me busy during the wait. No matter how long, it was always worth it. Under Lee’s precise hands, I haven’t had a bad hair day in a year.

But now she’s gone. She’s heading back to the South to open her own shop. So, if you’re ever in Chapel Hill, NC, head over to the university section and look for a shop called Jackson’s. Ask for Lee. Tell her Dipstick sent you and that she is missed.

QUESTION :: Slippery & Single

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick
Recently, I hooked up with this woman on a one night stand. She was hot and smooth and did all the right things until we made it to the bedroom. Then, she was like a child in her first sandbox, unsure of the right thing to do. She not only had the ickiest and cheapest toys, she didn’t even have any lube. Is it proper hook-up etiquette to bring your own toys and lube on a first date? Slippery & Single


Dipstick: Absolutely! Every lezzie girl scout knows the first rule of the road is, “Be Prepared!” Single gals should always carry a “just in case” kit whenever there’s the chance of scoring—which really is ANYTIME. Not only is it not tacky to bring your own toys, it’s good etiquette. And a few more things, not everyone is as skilled in the bedroom as The L Word’s Shane. Do the entire lesbian community a favor and teach this puppy a few new tricks. Her future partners will thank you. Finally, Dipstick says it’s much better to walk than drive an ‘88 Yugo with no motor oil. If the toys are inadequate, go au naturel.

Lipstick: Beyond bringing your own accoutrement, crack the whip, sweetie, and call this hottie in from recess. Lure her out the sandbox (L note: there’s nothing like a sandy crotch to kill the mood) and teach her a few lessons. Lesson #1: invest in your toys, ones that are not only versatile, but also durable and delicious. Hold up her hollow, antiquated weenie next to your malleable, pulsating jewel. The visual should do it, but if you don’t see the light bulb, show her the benefits of your pearly rabbit. Then, move to Lesson #2: get out your lube and squirt a dollop in the palm of her hand. In fact, just empty the bottle and wrestle her to the ground. Once her boobs are sliding against yours, she’ll fully realize the benefits of the girly grease and keep it within arms reach next time!

Pussycat Dinner

So, last night we celebrated one of our favorite friend's birthday, my Lil' Minx. We went out to dinner at one of our favorite haunts, MINT, and had a smashing good time. Our other friend, Lucy Brennan, owns the place and has turned into to swanky, sexy spot that is on the top of my list for dates. When in Portland, ladies, it's a must! A dyke hot spot.

When we sat down, there was a personalized menu just for the occasion. Check out some of the my favorite selections...

- "Oh my God, you have crabs!" cakes with ginger caper remoulade and roasted garlic tomato sauce
- Pork her real good with sweet soy ginger dipping sauce
- Asian lettuce wraps her legs around you with ginger lime dressing
- Cuban lamb burger with mint chimichurri and sweet porno fries or ass
- Buffalo boobs with horseradish demi glaze
- Duck confit and arugala salad with pears and tarragon mustard vagina
- Bush burger

And my all time favorite of the night: Sauteed rabbit loin (not that rabbit!--a nod, of course, to the Rabbit Habit) with grilled zucchini, portobello mushrooms, nipples and rabbit demi-glaze.

I snapped the photo with my phone. Saint cupcakes for dessert. Yumm. Happy Birthday, Lil' Minx. Lipstick loves you.

xo

The Gossip

I went out last night to see an amazing band; The Gossip. Just before they were to come on, I ran to the bathroom. As I came out of my stall, who was standing there, fixing her hair, but lead singer, Beth Ditto. Puzzled, I asked, "Aren't you Beth from The Gossip?" "I have to pee like everyone else, " she said. Maybe, but she sure doesn't sing like everyone else. Check her out!